Alaskan Sex Kitten
partic-p-nts must not “landscape” before the event to get the full experience and must occur during the full moon after a fresh snow fall.
1. attire must consist of your homeliest jacket
2. while wearing the jacket enter the hot with your partner(s).
3. turn on the highest jets in the hot tub and channel your primal essence.
4. remove yourself from the hot tub and slowly enter the snow while revealing your natural human form to your mate.
5. proceed to find the first (not domesticated) animal and sacrifice in the name of the natural world.
6. lather your partner’s body in the blood of the sacrifice in correlation with the rotation of the earth.
7. while purring like a mountain lion mount your partner in a primitive fashion and begin forcefully scratching down the back.
8. the tempo should continue to increase with each thrust until climax is reached.
9. carry your partner back to the hot tub and begin ritually bathing each other until the blood of the sacrifice is no more.
10. now exchange coats with partner and, hand in hand, walk towards the moon while thanking the cosmos for the enlightening experience.
“after performing the alaskan s-x kitten i felt one with nature.”
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