Basement Bum
a middle aged vagabond who hides in your bas-m-nt in order to stay out of bad weather. they sit in the dark corners of your cellar until you go down there to get laundry done or bring out the holiday ornaments. once you do, they attack you with a rusty screwdriver that is infested with diseases.
all bas-m-nt b-ms are male. there is no such thing as a female bas-m-nt b-m. if you think you see a female bas-m-nt b-m, it’s probably a hooker or a crackhead.
if you believe you may have a bas-m-nt b-m, do not call 911. the emergency operators will simply laugh at you. instead, call 1-800-b-m-help and pray to god that it’s not too late…
guy 1: h-llo?!
guy 2: hey. what’s up?
guy 1: dude, come over quick! i think i may have a bas-m-nt b-m in my cellar!
guy 2: yeah f-cking right, man. i’m not going to mess with that crazy f-cker!
guy 1: please, i thought we were friends! just come over real quick and bring your gun.
guy 2: ahahahahahaha! bullets can’t hurt a bas-m-nt b-m. you’re f-cking dead, man!
guy 1: what should i do?!
guy 2: hang up and call 1-800-b-m-help quick!
guy 1: what?
guy 2: just do it!! …g-dspeed!
guy 1: okay i’ll call you ba–ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! heeeeeeelp!! …what are you doing with that screwdriver?!? oh sweet jesus!!!!! ahhhhhh!!
-dial tone-
guy 2: holy sh-t…
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