blood bowl

history:

blood bowls, now commonly practiced only in northern austria, mainly consist of m-ssive male self-mutilation accompanied by female menstruation. the combination of the two was pioneered in 1879 by grover cleveland, and was a major selling point during his 1885 presidential campaign. following his election into office, the “blood bowling” practice spread overseas, being particularly well-received by austria and germany, both well known for occasionally delving into dark s-xual practices. following cleveland’s first term, he attempted to shift his political focus from blood bowls to more controversial topics as definition of human rights, but was met with a loss. cleveland subsequently returned to his roots, reportedly engaging in anywhere from thirty to fifty blood bowls a day. his second attempt at a second term, in 1893, was a success – he took to performing blood bowls in public, rousing his supporters into an unstoppable rage of gory arousal. four years of debauchery followed grover cleveland’s reelection, but the exhaustion of his service proved to be the undoing of his sinister s-xual practice. blood bowling’s popularity dropped rapidly in all regions of the world except northern austria, where it is still “enjoyed” to this day.

procedure:

blood bowls, which must be undertaken in any sort of large bowl or urn (hence the name), are commonly, yet logically -ssociated with sadomasochism. the male must begin the ritual by first severing his erect p-n-s at the head, spilling pints of blood into the urn. once a healthy puddle has acc-mulated, the female must present her own offering – plunging a knife repeatedly into the walls of her menstruating genitalia. at this point, the female’s work is finished, but the male must continue to mutilate his manhood, utilizing any grotesque method his imagination can provide. once he feels he has done sufficient work, he inserts himself into the female as he would for normal intercourse – note that at this point, the bowl in which he and his partner are copulating should be drenched in blood at least three inches in depth. as a result of the mutual genital deformation, intercourse is accompanied by blinding pain. m-s-ch-sts, therefore, take great pleasure in the experience.
“dude, grover cleveland totally blood bowled my wife the other day, and we’re getting a divorce.”
blood bowl is a little-known football-like sport practiced in the u.k. and the u.s. blood bowl is renowned for being very simple to play, having only three rules, and is also renowned for having the highest casualty rate of all sports, lion baiting and rugby included.
to play blood bowl, first find a football field, although blood bowl can really be played in any available sp-ce. teams are made of 5 players, whose positions are listed below:
a ‘castle’ who stays in the goal and protects it, and generally wears some sort of protection, such as plate armor.
a ‘horseman’ who traditionally rides an animal or vehicle.
3 ‘forwards’ who go out and get the ball.
teams may have any number of replacement players, who are subst-tuted whenever a player is injured or killed.
to win a blood bowl match, one team must score more goals on the other team (by tossing a ball into some sort of goal) than the other team scored on them by the end of two hours.
at the end of one hour of play is a 30-minute halftime break in which players are rotated in and out of play, riders wash their animals, and castles change their armor.
in addition to this, the teams rotate sides.
the final rule of blood bowl is that no edged weapons may be used on a player at any time. indifferent judges may have to be called in to determine what an edged weapon is and what it isn’t.
any player who breaks a blood bowl rule is ejected from play, and in some more violent games, executed on the spot.
“the missouri city crushers and the atlanta g’s are playing a violent blood bowl game tonight.”
game mix of warhammer and rugby, played with 30 mm citadel miniatures.
another spaniard has win the bloodbowl world cup.
a m-ss congregation of fencers, who sit in a bas-m-nt and play video games for an obscene number of hours. each blood bowl is characterized by its food distribution, consisting primarily of taquitos, hot wings,and food that one would not gerenally regret until the morning after. it is intended to create a sense of unity and improve teamwork, but usually results in the vocal abuse of each member, usually referring to another as a n00b or a l337.
at the blood bowl, philbert threw a taquito at tippy2 whilst calling him a dirty n00b, in retaliation tippy2 retorted “i r l337, suck it phil, u dirty b–tch, u got pwned”