Chrissues

chri-ssues
function: noun. usage: often. refers to issues (especially psychological) relating to the holiday known as “christmas”. issues are not necessarily limited to the religious observance of the birth of christ on december 25th. they may also derive from family issues as a result of subsequent holiday, work related stress; esp. retail jobs & food bank, shelter staff, environmental stress; increased crowds, limited parking, traffic, holiday music, anti-consumerism issues; the obligation to spend, discomfort with receiving gifts, allergies, weather, etc.

people with ‘chrissues’ can be pr-ne to hungriness and risk-taking behaviors, which can lead to eggnog abuse, scissor accidents, unsafe caroling and elf crime. chrissues can also manifest themselves physically and mentally resulting in cravings, somatic symptoms, rashes, nausea, vivid dreams, hallucinations and excessive wrapping.

although most inhabitants of north america exhibit chrissues, they are psychologically healthy. chrissues signs can be seen in november & december, but these are usually too mild to interfere with holiday-to-day living. emo teens, early adults and people who just hit 30 are usually in peak years for the onset of chrissues, but they have been known to affect the elderly as well. mood disorders such as candy cane depression, bi-polar bear disorder and strand-lights syndrome are related disorders. ex-mall santa’s between 45 and 59 make up 40% of chrissue season suicide cases.
1. i may have some unresolved chrissues, okay. so what? frankly, i don’t give a d-mn!

2. ‘did she dump him right before christmas?’ ‘yeah, i bet he’s going to have chrissues now’

3. my big chrissue the year, is with all these f-cking chipmunk gifts. at least they make good regifts.

4. ‘he said f-ck off when i said happy holidays, that guy is a psycho’ ‘seriously? man, he’s got chrissues!’

5. “would you like to try some jerky sir?”
“sure would!” “mmm. that’s delicious!”
“it’s reindeer!”
“what? blehhh!”
“sorry i have a chrissue with reindeer, i’m allergic”

6. ‘i knew i shouldn’t have eaten that whole gingerbread church. i kept having dreams i was falling out of a sleigh and getting chased through a factory by elves with shanks.’ ‘ha! serves you right for being so greedy!’

7. my only chrissue with the f-cking holidays is i never know what to get anyone!

8. ‘his chrissues lead to constantly singing holiday songs and wearing his santa costume for weeks on end, eventually he lost his job. last i heard he was freebasing crushed up candy cane.’