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see also toilet talk and spag-speak

cr-pper chat is the name given to the dialect of british english spoken by the chav subculture.

while the history of the dialect is sketchy at best, it’s safe to say that as the chav sub-culture grew out of the slums and council estates of britain, cr-pper chat stumbled drunkenly along with it. initially, cr-pper chat was spoken alongside proper received-pr-nunciation english, but after time, cr-pper chat became the mother-tongue for most teenagers on the british isles.

over the years, data shows a correlation between iq scores and cr-pper chat: as the average iq for the 10-20 years age-group plummets, cr-pper chat has increased in usage. it could also be said that, as the average iq score drops, cr-pper chat has adapted and become more degenerate in form and pr-nunciation.

cr-pper chat’s main differences with r.p. english include an unjustifiable slurring of every word (although this could be down to the fact that most chavs are alcoholics), ns pr-nounced as ls, pluralising almost every word, saturating every clause in obscenities and so on.

cr-pper chat in no way adheres to standard english grammar either. structures such as subject-verb-preposition-object are often changed to verb-object, for example: “i went to the park” becomes “went park”. chavs have trouble with more complicated grammatical structures such as the future tense and conditional tense, occasionally stripping clauses down to the bare minimum of information required for understanding, but more-often-than-not, they are incomprehensible by anyone, even other chavs.

cr-pper chat lacks any solid conjugation rules. ‘he has’ becomes ‘he ‘ave’, ‘i am’ becomes ‘i be’ and so on. what causes such a disgusting b-st-rdisation of the english language is unknown, but it is most likely the fact that most chavs can’t think of the subject then conjugate the verb correctly in quick succession, unlike people with higher iqs. apostrophes are unheard of in cr-pper chat, partially because most chavs can’t write for their (worthless) lives, but also because they sub-consciously deem it an unnecessary piece of punctuation, along with everything else. the chances of finding an apostrophe in written cr-pper chat are lower than the chances of richard dawkins becoming a devout christian; it’s not happening any time soon, and at the rate cr-pper chat’s deteriorating, never. showing a piece of written cr-pper chat to an english grammar purist such as lynnr truss is a bad idea; she’d have a heart attack, or her ‘inner stickler’ would commit suicide.

and, of course, cr-pper chat makes heavy use of words which, in standard english, would make no sense at all. words such as ‘innit’ and ‘blad’. ‘innit’, being a corruption of ‘is it not’, makes some sense when spread randomly throughout cr-pper chat sentences. on the other hand, ‘blad’ which is apparently a corruption of blood, when sprinkled liberally in sentences, makes next to no sense. experienced cr-pper chat speakers’ brains automatically filter words like this out so as not to put more strain on their abnormally small brains.

while cr-pper chat is almost unlearnable by anyone who’s not been brought up in a council flat/house/estate, elements of cr-pper chat do rub off on people exposed to cr-pper chat-speakers. elements such as the slur, ommisions of ts and, like, liberally throwing, like ,the word like where ever they feel like… like.

remember, cr-pper chat is the sign of a dull mind, and in some cases, no mind. if you speak cr-pper chat and want to kick the habit and learn proper r.p. english, simply pay attention in your english cl-sses instead of skiving off for a f-g. alternatively, talk to someone from oxford, cambridge or londond (not a c-ckney though.)
(after a ‘conversation’ with a chav)
“what’d he say?”
“beats me, he’s talking in cr-pper chat.”

“ohmahf-ckingodz, laak, ah saw dis gah, right, and’e was all laak f-ckov mayn an’ ah waz laak yo f-ckovv, initz”
“sir, i can’t understand one word out your mouth; i only speak english, not cr-pper chat.”

r.p. english: “h-llo there, good sir. how is life treating you?”
cr-pper chat: “yoo blad, ya mintad, f-g?”

r.p. english: “could i borrow your lighter, old bean?”
cr-pper chat: “oi mate, gizzus f-ckin’ a light?”

r.p. english: “sir, please stop pushing me or i may be forced to retaliate.”
cr-pper chat: “wha-the f-ck, d-ck’ed? ya bes’ stop dat sh-t now, or ah’ll f-ckin’ bang ya out.”

r.p. english: “sir, you seem to be mistaken.”
cr-pper chat: “wha-tha f-ck-ya chattin’ bilend, innit?”
hill-billy: “ah’ you some kinda moron?”