Crunchy Cat

those who expect the lord to show them mercy but refuse to extend mercy to anyone else. they would happily join a new crusade if it didn’t require them to move out of mommy’s bas-m-nt or give up world of warcraft. they really are more catholic than the pope, especially since, in crunchy world, there hasn’t been a true pope since 1958. the crunchy contrasts with the soft catholic. you know, the ones who think we owe a filial love to christ’s sweet vicar on earth. there’s no room for love in crunchy world. he says love is for sissies. and modernists. most of them hang out in the fever swamps of internet traddom, usually on racistinfo or the forum with a fancy latin name, the height of irony since crunchies don’t speak latin. qed

noted heroes of the crunchy cat include adolf hitler, vladimir putin, tony cekada and dolph lundgren. generally known to drink to excess but only things like mike’s hard lemonade or goldschlager. (worst day of the crunchy’s life was when they stopped making zima.) also, the crunchy loves lace. he prefers his priest to wear more lace than a victoria’s secret catalog.

the crunchy uses code words to display his cleverness, i.e. newchurch, true m-ss and doubtful validity. in this way, we all know what he means, but he doesn’t have to say it. his fav color is pink, although he insists on calling it “rose.”
person 1: “that joe sure is an uber trad!”
brilliance incarnate: “no he’s not. he’s a crunchy!”
person 1: “that term requires a greater understanding of the workings of your mind than i possess.”

crunchy cat: “i’m outraged! that no presider wore purple on laetare sunday!”
normal person: “crunchtastic!”

crunchy cat: “cardinal burke is an arch-modernist.”
trad cat: “that is a crunchtacular statement.”

crunchy cat: “latin and lace will save the church!”
non-insane person: “ummmm…..wut?”

crunchy cat: “i’m leaving the church if jpii is canonized!”
trad cat: “so what are you waiting for? get out!”