Drama Student syndrome

a strange ailment, the spread of which – despite the combined efforts of thousands of researchers and normal students – has increased a hundred-fold in the last ten years. dss has spread rampantly through schools throughout the country with alarming speed. the worst affected are performing arts colleges, such as guthlaxton in wigston, uk. many researchers and experts concur that dss is to colleges as mrsa is to hospitals.

drama student syndrome is caused by a tiny tumor in the hypothalamus which prevents the release of serotonin or any form of mood-altering chemical, or at least any that cause positive emotion. the results of this are system-wide, including a sullen appearance and a tendency to cry for no reason. in about 1 in 2 cases, the tumour swells, causing a severe case of big-headedness.

the most common symptoms of drama student syndrome include developing black patches around the eyes, a compulsion to lie about everything and an addiction to emotional stress and complex social situations. this addiction is the most prominent symptom; you can easily discern a sufferer of dss because they have dated more than 10 people in the last month, and when asked to explain what happened, they continue to talk until well after the second coming of christ. note: if you ever find yourself in this situation, i would recommend planning an essay or something in your mind; when they pause, just say ‘yeah’ or ‘ok.’ if you’re married, you should have had plenty of practice at this.

possibly the most bizarre symptom of dss is the discharge of regular metal rings and bars which protrude from the skin of the ears, lips, nose, eyebrows, knuckles or wherever else the skin is loose enough to allow it. some aspiring dss sufferers (and there are more than you think, or are wanted) have sought to emulate these discharges by using a glorified stapler to fire pieces of metal into their skin. note: you may seem to see this symptom in chavs, however the metal pieces embedded in their eyebrows or ears are not external discharge, so much as bullet fragments.

neurological symptoms include severe narcissism, hedonism, pathogenic lying and exaggeration (i.e. ‘i got so drunk last night and i slept with 3 people!’ when in fact they had a meager amount of alcohol and spent the night in the fetal position, crying and dry-heaving,) and the delusion that anyone gives a cr-p about what they say.

‘is there a cure,’ you ask? the answer is yes, however it’s quite long-term and painful. the latter is no obstacle; who wouldn’t want to cause these disgusting nuisances a bit of pain? cut off their alcohol supply, ween them off any drugs on which they are dependent, delete all their bring me the horizon and my chemical romance mp3s, burn their converse all-stars (only if they’re dirty and covered in marker pen,) do likewise with their jeans – sorry, their little sister’s jeans and any clothes purchased from primark. remove the hair by any means! razor, sheep-shears, lawnmower, whatever you can find. after a few weeks of healthy habits and constructive behaviour, they will either die of shock, or be cured and become contributive members of society.

a far quicker and more effective cure comes in the form of a loaded 12-gauge shotgun. the success rate is usually in the region of 90% to 100%, depending on your aim.
james: “dude, you seen chris’s new haircut?”
alex: “oh?”
james: “it’s all black and straight, and down over his eye.”
alex: “no! he has drama student syndrome fer sure.”
james: “yeah…”
(c-cks shotgun)
james: “…such a shame.”

(a normal conversation with a drama student syndrome sufferer)
‘nemo’: -sob- “my boyfriend dumped me!”
neil: “uhuh, poor you.”
‘nemo’: (smiling through the tears) “i know! isn’t it -sob- awful!”
neil: “sure.”
‘nemo’: “hey look, some random guy!”
(asks out the random guy.)