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the biggest, suv on the road. optional 5.4 l v-8 (standard), 6.8 l v-10 (ricer killer), or 6.0 l/7.3 l powerstroke v-8 diesel (powerhouse). they are usually found being meandered around by a soccer mom or a redneck, weigh nearly 8000 pounds, use a runway to stop, handle like trucks, and chug down gas. however, when used properly, they justify these characteristics.

the pilot: in the hands of a soccer mom, they can, and do, pancake prii (priuses). in the hands of a redneck, they can be seen being used in a reckless and stupid fashion. however, in the hands of a capable driver, they can be very safe and don’t typically run into anything.

maneuverability: they’re big. they need sp-ce. if you know what you’re doing, you can move them into and out of the most cramped parking sp-ces.

weight: they’re big. they weigh a lot, there is no way out of this one.

long stop: factors like brake, tire, and road conditions play critical roles. if the driver is observant though, they can usually stop in time or maneuver around the obstacle.

handling: the f-250 truck frame is responsible.

mpg: dismal, but they are amazing people movers. when loaded to capacity (8 people), their 15 mpg are justified. bonus: plenty of power. it goes in the snow too.

all in all, they only become viable when you need to move people in a climate that can be less than favorable, or if you need an suv that can do the job of an f-250 (i.e.tow a trailer). small wonder they are no longer made.
walking down the street.
guy 1: is that a tank coming down the sidewalk?

guy 2: no! it’s a soccer mom in a ford excursion! run for your life!

guy 1: d-mn, that thing’s big.

phone call between work buddies:
worker 1: you gonna come to work?

worker 2: nah, there’s a foot of snow on the ground, my suburban won’t make it.

worker 1: you’re not gonna slack off this time, i’m gonna come pick you up in the excursion.

worker 2: i thought you used that to tow your rv?

worker 1: i do. my expedition won’t make in the snow either.

worker 2: do i have to come to work?

worker 1: yes!

in a v-10 excursion when confronted by a ricer at a light:

ricer: -fart can revs

driver: if i ignore him, he’ll go away.

-ricer guns it, goes weedeating down the street.

-excursion does a sensible, controlled acceleration, but doesn’t keep up with the ricer, as he’s not racing.

ricer: i win.

driver: we weren’t racing.

ricer: you just say that ’cause you lost. -fart rev

driver: it’s game time. -screaming v-10 rev (pure unadulterated awesome)

-light change

-ricer guns it, goes weedeating down the street.

-excursion guns it, goes powering down the street.

-excursion overtakes ricer with the aid of 310 hp (if racing a ricer that does meaningful mods, about the same) and 425 lb·ft of torque (probably five times more) despite the fact that it’s at least four and a half times heavier.

-ricer resorts to a ricer flyby.

moral of the story: ricers suck, torque wins races.
an awesome super large suv made by ford from 2000-2005. the suv for the hard-core soccer-mom. was designed like a super duty truck and was intended for rural or commercial use. but it got popular with suzy-homemakers instead. it’s cons outweighed it’s pros (poor fuel mileage, not being able to fit in suburban garages, etc) so ford quit making them. driving this suv screams a big “f-ck you” to all the liberal prius drivers out there.
son: hey mom, i think you hit that prius on the way home from soccer practice!!
mom: that was just a speed b-mp, honey…
son: then why is there a door stuck in the grill!!
mom: oh cr-p…not again!! we have to get rid of that ford excursion.
clearly another attempt by mankind to continue chipping away at earths already fragile ecosystem. manufactured solely for the purpose of depleating natural resources such as oil and oxygen at a much faster rate than other bus-sized vehicles. republicans love ’em.
” i can’t wait to show the guys at the country club my new ‘ w the president ‘ sticker on my ford excursion! ”
a large oversized sports utility vehicle (suv) that gets stuck in 6 inches of snow. this gas guzzling 2wd with 20in rims frequently gets stuck in its owners driveway, resulting in a 2010 honda accord pulling it onto the road with a 25k tow strap. (yes there are pictures)
ford excursion owner: “sh-t…i can’t get my truck out of my yard…”

honda owner: “hold on man, i still have my tow strap from my old truck in the trunk.”

ford excursion owner: “hahaha.. you think that honda can pull my excursion up that hill in the snow..”

honda owner: “all i ask is that you let me get pictures of this…”

ford excursion owner: “deal..”

30 sec later

ford owner: “shoulda bought a honda”