Hallmark Keepsake Ornaments
small plastic trinkets, generally made in china, that are sold nearly year-round in hallmark stores across america. these items are almost completely worthless, though many insist that they are extremely collectible. though generally cheaply made, these ornaments have the power to cast a spell over those who buy them, often resulting in customers spending well over $600 to own each and every one (and then ending up storing them in an attic because no one has enough room to hang them all). to perpetuate this madness, hallmark executives formed a keepsake ornament collector’s club, which has a surprisingly large number of members. for the low, low price of $25, members can choose two inherently ugly “club exclusive” ornaments and receive their very own paper membership cards. then they have the option of buying other “club exclusive” ornaments that are sure to have great value to other rabid collectors in the future. of course, what the executives do not want the public to know is that any “club exclusive” ornaments not sold by christmas will be available to the general public.
keepsake ornaments are released every year in early july (at a sickening event known as “ornament premiere”), and remain up until well after christmas. hardcore collectors can start ordering them in early june, when the ornament catalogue (inappropriately t-tled the “dreambook”) becomes available in hallmark stores. sane people, of course, have learned to avoid the ornament premiere, thus sparing themselves from seeing the disturbing sight of a poor college student sweating in a christmas sweater and p-ssing out christmas cookies when everyone else in the store is walking around in shorts and tank tops.
customer one: “i’ve been waiting for the hallmark keepsake ornaments to come out all year!”
customer two: “oh yeah? which ones did you get?”
customer one: “all of them!!”
customer two: “all of them?! how much did that cost you?!”
customer one: “only, like, $800. that’s way less than last year!”
customer two: -p-sses out-
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