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fascinating intellectual breakthroughs regarding reality, language, existence, knowledge, perception, or human behavior which are completely unprovable and utterly without use, and therefore of no real consequence to anyone. see also: philosophy

etymology: the mental counterpart to masturbation; i.e. a process that is very pleasurable but hasn’t accomplished anything at the end.
the sapir-whorf hypothesis states that language influences human thought, so that native speakers of different languages think about concepts in incommensurably distinct modes. linguists and psychologists contend fiercely over the validity of this claim, oblivious to the fact that it is intellectual masturbation.
speaking for the sole pleasure of listening to yourself and showing off your supposed intellectual and linguistic capacities.
john continually goes on about the merits of times new roman. he does so in a completely self-absorbed, disinterested tone.

john- (weary tone) “you simply can’t comprehend the intrinsic value of times new roman font to our society and the way we decipher the world. there is evidently a plethora of ways it has effected our daily experiences.”

tim- “john, do cease your intellectual masturbation. it bores me to an umpteenth degree. my finely tuned ears were not designed for your incessant blabber.”
word used by stupid, narrow minded and superficial people to describe things that’s hard for them to understand.
billy: the socratic dialogues about good and justice are the product of intellectual masturbation.

bob: but philosophy has put the basis of lawmaking and it’s believed to be the mother of science, why do you use this derogatory term?

billy: uhh, whatever dude! i have more interesting things to do than listening to your bs! w00t! i am going to eat some salami and m-st-rb-t- on some amateur p-rn! w00t!
straining your thinking processes repeatedly until you hopefully find resolution in the form of an intellectual -rg-sm.
wacking off theory after theory until you come to a head with a solution.
i’ve been working on this problem continually for some time, and my intellectual masturbation has finally led to resolution.

jane: did you get your homework finished?

d-ck: i spent last night engaged in intellectual masturbation til i finally was satisfied. it really drained me.
reading or hearing something one does not understand and dismissing it as useless, calling it “philosophy” as an insult, then falling for every media pr-nouncement and logical fallacy as being profound or meaningful.
ayn: to love is to value.

sam: huh? you mean you have to pay for it? philosophy sucks! that’s just intellectual masturbation.

nan: we have to p-ss the bill to find out what’s in it.

sam: makes sense to me. that’s deep.
word used by stupid, narrow minded and superficial people to describe things that they cannot possibly understand.
billy: the socratic dialogues about good and justice are the product of intellectual masturbation.

bob: but philosophy has put the basis of lawmaking and it’s believed to be the mother of science, why do you use this derogatory term?

billy: uhh, whatever dude! i have more interesting things to do than listening to your bs! w00t! i am going to eat some salami and m-st-rb-t- on some amateur p-rn! w00t!
talking to hear the sound of your own voice. see mental masturbation or bullsh-t.
he went on and on about how many uses he had for an avacado and a water pik, but we didn’t want to hear about that intellectual masturbation