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conservative suburban bubble found near portland, oregon. home to an algae-filled “lake,” 7-11, and bob.

notable events include weekly dc and other quasi-legal activities, frisbee monday/wednesday at 7:17, and drinking. lots of drinking.

town closes at 9:00 nightly, except on weekends. then it’s 9:15.

also known as lo, lake bigego, lake nonegro, the bubble.
i’m so excited to get out of lake oswego in mere weeks!
one of the wealthier suburbs of portland. while kids who go to lincoln, jesuit, or even west linn usually come from wealthier families than people who go to lake oswego or lakeridge, lake oswego is black balled as the spoiled rich place to be in oregon. most people are simple hated in this town for the fact that they are from lake oswego which is quite ridiculous. fact of the matter is its a nice suburb community that many people hate simply because they are jealous of it or have just been told, “oh you shouldnt like people from lake oswego”
oh your from lake oswego? i dont like you.
a pseudo-yuppie conservative wanna-be elite village which tries to isolate itself from the rest of the world by inflating “market value” and priding itself for having very few black people. there is a small majority of folks that look frighteningly pale with blue eyes and blond hair. in fact it is not surprising to see large families dressed exactly the same, with the same blank stare on their faces.

the biggest issue facing lake oswego at the moment is the building of a tram which will make it easier for the middle cl-ss and other undesirables to freely move in and out of the city. and that convenience is feared will lead to some one making less than 50k a year to find a place to live there, which will mean raising the already falsely inflated “market value” that the city is so famous for.

the city is also known for its bizarre, unwritten driving laws and its citizens sense of ent-tlement.

lake oswego is the perfect place to observe the absurd. you are guaranteed a hilarious time people watching there. just go into the starbucks at the safeway on a street and you can experience the worst of the so-called “upper cl-sses” whilst enjoying a mocha.

lake oswego is proof that money does not necessarily mean “cl-ss.”
when four people approach a 4-way stop intersection, the person that gets to go first is the person that drives the most expensive car.

if you have had botox recently, drivers are encouraged to have the rear-view mirror pointing at their faces, rather than the traffic behind them. this way they can see if there is any movement of their paralyzed faces at all.

and do not be alarmed when you see aforementioned botoxed old men trying to pick up young girls at the high school in their hummers or austin martins: orange, is a perfectly normal skin color in lake oswego.
the best place to live in the whole f-cking world. school uniforms are juicy sweatsuits and louis vuiton backpacks. vodka and crystal run freely in the drinking fountains. who cares it’s lake oswego. every student is a genius, and they aint no racists. they actually worship black people…the 2 that go to the school anyways. every sport wins at everything…it’s lo. the girls are dime. one person in the history of the school had s-x…she died. the ecstasy and alc aint no problem if you know what i mean. you can best find kids running around with their nannies, tubing on the lake, or visiting a vacation home. teenagers are driving around their range rovers and hummers past nine oclock trying to find parties and getting miped. standard procedure. you can find the lopo around every street corner looking like they’re busy doing something important. well, usually they’re scouting out dangerous speeders driving 2 or 3 miles per hour over the speed limit. the average gpa is 4.0. it’s lake oswego aka lo…the sh-t.
charles: dude what are we gunna do tonight?
ryan: i don’t f-ckin know i have to finish my calculus homework. then we should like hit up clarissa’s party on the lake. i think she found the key to their wine cellar.
charles: that stuff is expensive, dude.
ryan: um…it’s f-cking lake oswego.
charles: oh ya, f-ck yes.

example 2:
claire: did you hear about lizy?
madeline: what?
claire: she made out with a black guy.
madeline: nu uh.
claire: seriously.
madeline: oh my god. that’s f-cking amazing
a former resort town just south of portland, now a refuge of former yuppies and selfish, wealthy conservatives. not unlike pandora’s box, there is a glimmer of reason and truth amongst many of the residents. however, many of them leave for college and wish to never return. and if they do, it’s just for the schools. honest.

a place where tax money goes to b-tching at business owners to match a strict color and size scheme for their signs, building colors, curbsides, and anything else that will drive most endeavors into the ground.

a place where bob and 7-11 are one’s only solace.

a place where if you spend over $30,000 on a car, you never have to worry about paying for speeding tickets or even getting pulled over since the most common job in town is being a lawyer.

a place where people call the cops if you leave your front door open for more than five minutes, -ssuming that terrorists are attacking the neighborhood.

a place that can breed such a cynical person as myself.
man, lake oswego is like a painkiller-induced euphoria for the middle-aged wealthy population that is too fearful to live in portland.
everything stated above is not completely true. not everyone is rich, but it is a very nice place to live. it is extremely safe which makes it a wonderful neighborhood to live in. lake oswego’s curfew is the exact same as all the other cities in oregon, so there’s no need to rip on it. it is stereotyped for something that it appears to be. schools are very nice and kids get extremely good grades, making it an “exceptional” school. just because someone lives there doesn’t make them bratty and sn-bs. there just like you.
girl: hey where do you live?
boy: lake oswego
girl: oh that’s cool, i heard it’s really nice
boy: yeah it is, but were just as normal as you
girl: oh thats good!
boy: yeah
-a suburb of portland, or, population 36,368.

-a liberal city containing some of the world’s prejudice, spoiled people.

-home to two rivaling highschools: lakeridge and lake oswego.

-bob and 7-11. what more can i say.

-an algae-filled lake that will never be cleaned due to high-phospate fertilizers and is not able to be drained because of the floating houseboats.

-a city filled with little racial diversity:
white non-hispanic (89.7%)
two or more races (2.5%)
hispanic (2.3%)
chinese (1.5%)
korean (1.1%)
j-panese (0.8%)
american indian (0.8%)
other race (0.7%)
black (0.6%)

-a place where property tax is very high, and most residence are of upper middle cl-ss or higher.

-i live here, and don’t particularly like it, although my family happens to be the best living here (muah ha).

lady- so, where are you from?

you- oregon.

lady- oh, really? where in oregon?

you- portland area.

lady- oh, really? what city?

you- lake oswego.

lady- oh. i don’t like you.