Lippman Scale
a logarithmic scale used to express the amount of anti-humor produced by a remark or quip uttered by an individual with the intention of producing genuine humor. similar to the richter scale, the scale ranges from 0 to 9 with each increase of 1 representing a ten-fold increase in anti-humor. a 0 on the lippman scale signifies a state of humor equilibrium in which nothing has been said which can be deemed offensively unhumorous and harmful to the souls and psyches of those within earshot. a 5 typically results in temporary paralysis followed by seizures, suicidal tendencies and diarrhea. although nothing above a 7 has ever been reported, experts speculate that a 9 on the lippman scale results in the return of christ to earth at which point he will utter the words “f-ck this” and the earth will implode into a giant supernova of anti-humor.
the other day i heard someone say: “when you were born the doctor came into mom’s hospital room and was like, your son strangled himself with the umbilical cord, he’s dead……jk april fools!!!” due to my queasiness and depression i figure it must have ranked around a 3 on the lippman scale.
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