Lying-ass Motherfucker Coefficient

when dealing with a lying–ss motherf-cker, the lying–ss motherf-cker coefficient (lamc)is the multiplier (generally around .39) added to any numbers (such as income, number of recent s-xual relations, cost of automobile, amount of alcohol consumed, length of prison sentence, etc) quoted by said lying–ss motherf-cker, with the intent of approximating a truer estimate of the referenced events.

the actual value of the lamc fluctuates depending on the relative purity of the lying–ss motherf-cker in question and must be adjusted accordingly. a lamc of .8 or .9 is only appropriate for a “part-time” or a “fly-by-night” lying–ss motherf-cker, while a true, pathological lying–ss motherf-cker often necessitates a .1 or even a .05!

use a known quant-ty to -ssign a lamc value to the lying–ss motherf-ckers in your life. if, for instance, a lying -ss motherf-cker at your work claims he made a cool $120 in tips over the course of his shift when you spotted him pocketing a paltry $45, you can safely place his lamc at .375, give or take a few hundredths.

once a lamc is established, it tends to remain fairly constant, varying only in cases of extreme mental excitement, anguish, or upheaval. lying–ss motherf-ckers who are manic drunks, for example, often require a lower lamc value when they are on the sauce. tears in the beer, however, can indicate that a higher value should be used (“in vino veritas” rings true, for depressive drunk lying–ss motherf-ckers at least).

a final note: the lamc only applies to numbers which the lying–ss motherf-cker has motive to inflate (like the number of people it took to beat the sh-t out of him last night downtown). for instances where a lower number would seem “cooler” (such as the number of statuatory rape charges on his permanent record) a reverse lying–ss motherf-cker coefficient (rlamc) must be employed. the rlamc will be covered in a later article.
andrew: man, jacob was wasted when i came in last night! he said he drank a whole twelve pack when he was out with tina!

joe: man, f-ck that noise. you know that jacob’s lying–ss motherf-cker coefficient is a good .25 easy. he drank three beers, cried for a while, got tina’s voicemail, got ten other girls’ voicemails, watched tv, and then p-ssed out on the couch, which is where you found him when you came in.

andrew: you’re right, man. dude’s a lying–ss motherf-cker. i don’t know what i was thinking.