me monster

someone so self absorbed that no one else matters. every bad event in their life must have a reason that excuses it.
if my child gets in trouble at school, it’s because the teacher hates them.

if my child doesn’t make the cheer team, it must be because she has short hair.

if my husband cheats on me, it must be caused by the medication he takes for a workman’s comp injury.

if my son gets injured doing an activity that i know is dangerous and gets hurt, it must be the fault of the fireman who came to help him.

if i don’t have enough money to pay my bills, or for club soccer, or cheer, or back to school shopping, or college, i will get my kids to lie about their circ-mstances, i will fill out faulty claims to insurance, i will pretend to be unable to work, i will over inflate prices of repairs and lie to my landlord.
i am a me monster, how dare you focus on your life.
someone who is self absorbed and who’s actions are predominately based on themselves. generally, said people are derogativly referred to as “jeffs” but can also be called “mitch-lls” if the situation so arises.

general signs that you may be a me monster include but are not limited to:

1)being named jeff
2)you major in business
3)hog the wii remote for hours on end
4)have a tendancy towards debate
5)own more than 10 pairs of shoes
6)enjoy dressing and listening to emo
7)are a giant poser
8)work or have worked for a grocery store of some sort
9)enjoy drinkin absurd drinks (ex. diet vanilla cherry limeade lemon sh-t 7-beer-ola)
10)at times you find your skin becoming transluscent or have neck twitches that seem to short your entire conciousness (caused by loss of blood as blood needed to support your giant ego)

if you find yourself having 1 or more of these signs please consult your family physican for a more detailed tests to determine what can be done for you.
your being such a me monster, i wouldnt be suprised if you got eaten by a jaguar!
1.) one who’s world only consists of themself. typically male.
2.) a person that speaks loudly about themselves and all their accomplishments for the sole purpose of demeaning others.
3.) see “douchbag”
ex. “you see that guy with the v-neck and the frapaccino? he’s been talking about his new website like it’s the new “facebook” for over an hour. i’m gonna stab that me monster in the face with this pen.”

ex. “holy sh-t! that guy just double-parked his bmw in a handicapped sp-ce at the retirement home to use the bathroom… and he p-ssed all over the seat!!! what a me monster!!”

ex. “hey, me monster! your golf clubs aren’t considered carry-on. f-ckin d-ck.”