New Providence
a small town in north jersey right outside of new york city. it is home to the nicest people on the east coast. beautiful houses, nice cars, and great schools are what you’ll find here. all moms walk their kids to school in the morning and pick them up in their suv’s in the afternoon only to rush them off to soccer practice, ballet cl-ss or flute lessons. most of the kids are ridiculously smart and talented in pretty much everything so they go to great schools and grow up to make tons of money in new york city just like their parents. the dads all walk home together from the train station after work to find their perfect families waiting and dinner, made by their house-keeper, on the table. on the weekends, the kids don’t really throw killer parties because they know their parents will find out because everyone is in each other’s business. football games are attended every weekend and church at the presbyterian church at new providence is a must on sunday morning. pretty much an adorable town filled with rich, but nice people who have perfect lives. kind of like a mini version of desperate housewives without the b-tchiness.
“hey are you moving?”
“yeah, i’m going to new providence so my kids can be smart and be nice people.”
a small, middle-cl-ss, suburbian town in northern new jersey. new providence lives in the shadow of neighboring towns chatham and summit. the kids at the high school are usually ignorant douchebags who know nothing about anything outside the sh-thole they call a town. although there are exceptions, the guys at the high school think their hot sh-t but the reality is that they get their -sses handed to them in almost every way possible. to make up for these deficiencies, they all like to show off their “hot rods”. i hate to be the one who tells them this but that’s not gonna get you anywhere buds. the girls at new providence arent much better. again there are exceptions, but for the most part they are artifically tanned orange pieces of m-ss who could care less about anything other than their skin tone. their academics are on the decline and their sports teams are incredibly average, continually getting their -sses kicked by rival, governor livingston of berkely heights. i don’t even go there or live in berkely heights. there is nothing to do in town but hang outside cvs and blockbuster in the village shopping center or get stoned outside friendly’s. there are very few places to eat, and with the exception of coppola’s which does have extraordinary pizza, the majority of the food cannot be digested. to sum it all up, new providence is an uncultured town that shouldn’t even be compared to its neighbors summit, chatham and berkely heights (again i do not live in any of these places).
teacher: billy do you know the answer to this question?
typical new providence student: …no…but i have a nice mustang
teacher: now let’s get an answer from somebody whose not a complete r-t-rd.
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