Pasturebation
the act of happening upon a beautiful scene scape, one that stops you dead in your tracks and forces you to think about the beauty in the world (such as the love of your life coming up behind you, wrapping their arms around you firmly, resting their head in the nape of your neck and quietly whispering “i love you”). the kind of place where it seems that the wind itself whistles merry tunes, as if to say, “hey little guy, everything’s going to be alright…” and a photographer behind you is capturing every perfect moment so it can be used as a default wallpaper for windows 90 million or a background on a calendar for the month of september. then, just as your head is being filled with wondrous thoughts, and you could swear you caught a whiff of fresh apple pie right out of the oven, you notice a man right at the top of the hill, standing directly in front of the sunset where the sky meets the earth, violently pasturebating. yes, that’s right. don’t clean your gl-sses or blink twice, leaning forward a bit. that man is publicly masturbating atop one of the most beautiful places on planet earth. he then, with a grin from ear to ear that makes dead grandmothers everywhere nod their head exclaiming “what a nice boy”, blows his regal load in the direction of the once-calming wind and you watch it fly away; forever whisked to the fertile loins of forever. you will never look at this place the same again. in fact, you will be so scarred you will probably never return at all.
mom: here it is sweetie, the grand canyon!
child: oh wow! what’s that mom?!
mom: what’s wha…….oh my god….is that…..is he…………who the f-ck……..what the f-ck?!?!
child: what’s a “f-ck” mom?
mom: shut the f-ck up….we’re out of here……those d-mn pasturebaters with their pasturebation just have to ruin everything, don’t they………
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