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located underneath the throggs neck bridge, the college is the forgotten step-child of the suny system. a quasi-military school, students partic-p-te in the regiment of cadets when convenient which involves: a)wearing us naval uniforms which are either grossly over or undersized, b)waking-up at the crack of dawn to stand in some sort of formation in order to b-tch about waking up early, c)collecting stacks of pink paper or if one is so lucky a few gold pieces, d)spending countless hours of the week scheming, running away from, or buying one’s way out of recieving pinks or the beloved golds. students major in either a uscg deck officer liscense program that is disguised as a business degree to give it legitimacy or b-mble-f-cked engineering degree that loosely incorporates a uscg engine license program. students come from a vast array of places, 95% residing in long island and the other 5% being “upstaters” from lower westchester and “southerners” from the far-reaches of maryland and virginia. the proper way to ask where someone is from is “north-sh-r- or south-sh-r-?” the college is extremely ethnically diverse with 99.9% of the population being white and of either irish or italian descent. the rest is made of a wonderful array of racial minorities who are subsequently divided into the many social clicks as the “token.” there is a male to female ratio about 15 to 1, but don’t worry there guys you don’t want to be going near any of these abominations referred to losely as women for fear of being crushed, eaten, or recieving more stds than if one f-cked a 40 year-old crack-head prost-tute “raw-dog”. the type of student who attends maritime typically: a)couldn’t get into kings point or annapolis, b)was disenrolled from kings point or annapolis, c)has been to several colleges and views this as the “last option”, d)could stay awake long enough to fill out the 20minute application or make a 5minute phone call. the social-life at the college represents something of a mix between a low-security prison and sh-tty high-school party. after the cl-ss-day, cadets un-wind by staring at their room’s wall, breaking things, sneaking a few coveted “tall boys” on campus only to be caught roughly 5minutes later, or if truly lucky go out to one of the bronx’s fine bars where cadets will be ridiculed or mauled before finishing their first beer. the true allure to the college is the “antic-p-ted” (ie. dreaded) summer sea term or the acronym since this is quasi-military school “sst.” eight hundred or so cadets, r-t-rded/sterotypical minority cook-staff, and distrungtled officers and crew board the 50-year-old death-trap otherwise known as the empire state for two monthes to “sail the world” in order to live out everyone’s childhood fantasies living aboard 1800s slave ship. cadets spend the days at sea working to keep the ship from sinking or blowing up, looking at p-rn, and doing things in the holds that on land might be percieved as h-m-s-xual. every 10 days or so cadets are rewarded for their hard work with a 3 day port stay, in which the cadets will only be off the ship for roughly 3hours, just enough time to get drunk enough that they will not be able to get off the ship in the next port.

“keeping the screw turning…”
-“where do you go to school?”
-“suny maritime…”
-“huh????? whats that?”
-“uh… its a quasi-military school where we get uscg licenses to be merchant mariners.”
-“oh so you go to the coast guard acedemy…”
-“no”
-“oh i get it…. so your like a marine?”
-“no”
-“so what is it?”
-“a sh-t-hole, where you get something called the screw all day”
suny maritime questioner

are you from long island?
do you like boats?
do you like world of war craft?
are you antisocial?
would you prefer staying in your room all day playing on the computer?
do you have awkward eye contact with people?
are you a virgin?
do you not like girls or just like hefty ones?
are you below average in school?
are you socially awkward?
did you take the sats high, and mess up?
were you picked on in high school?
are friday nights board game nights?
did you smoke way to much in high school, and this was one of your brilliant ideas?

are you that dumb?
are you on acid( and would like to see formations of people standing around/ marching because the kaleidoscope effect is cool)?

do you not have a sense in fashion because uniforms are cool?

if you answered yes to one or more of these than suny maritime is a perfect school for you. located in the bronx new york, suny is an excellent school for underachievers who are to afraid of life.
suny maritime maritime

“suny maritime”
“yo were we tripping b-lls?”
“no why”
“because i thought i saw formations of people marching in uniform and kaleidoscopic”

“you did”
“well how can you explain the time stretching”
“dude it sucks here time goes by mad slow”
“well how do you explain the paranoid effect of people trying to give me pinks and golds”
“they are”
“so im not crazy”
“….um you did go to maritime”
is this just a bad acid trip, or somthing worst? ill report you decide.
suny maritime is a dead, lonely dwarf planet in the galaxy of other suny schools. the civilian program was installed just to make the school seem a little more like a regular college, but it failed miserably. most civilian students attend the school for one of three reasons. 1) they are athletes and maritime was their last option. 2)they were supposed to be in the satanic regiment but realized it was just stupid and idiotic. 3)they were lied to by their high school guidance counselors and told that the school offered 100 percent job placement into jobs that no one really have. if you’re looking for fun on campus onweekends, you can either smoke an illegal substance in one of the many gazebos, stare at the trucks driving to freedom on the throgs neck bridge or walk around the dimly lit campus and get attacked by the many regimental kids looking for blood. the cafeteria staff at suny maritime learned the skill of the trade from the many state and local correctional facilities in new york, and the lunch ladies are trained in the skill of witchcraft. the food can be compared to that of bronx zoo food. advice, only eat the pizza
“what school do you go to?”

“suny maritime..”

“where is that?”

“the bronx”

“oh you must love it, you’re in nyc”

“no nyc can be seen from campus just to punish the regiment kids during the week”
a college situated in the bronx, nyc… it is known for its corrupt regimental staff, idiotic cadets, and job placement office for an industry which the us really doesn’t have anymore. largely a waste of time and tuition
“suny maritime college sucks man, they promised me 100% job placement, and 99.9% of my job offers are sh-r-side.”