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– he is aproximately 3 feet tall and 3 feet wide

– if you were to touch him, he would feel like a frog or other anphibuous creature.

– he lives somewhere in tibet, up in the mountains. but he does wander a lot and ventures to america sometimes to observe the behaviors of our materialistic society.

– he has suction cups on his feet.

– he never stops smiling. never.

– he sleeps with his eyes open.

– he knows all. past, present, and some say he knows the future, but that is because he is so intelligent that it is easy for him to predict the future.

– he can read peoples’ minds, by noticing their body movements, smelling odors that humans can not smell that come off our bodies depending what mood we’re in, and sensing brain patterns.

– he has extremely acute senses.

– he feeds on burnt action figures, markers, paper, nail polish remover, or any other food he can get ahold of. being the extremely advanced creature that he is, his body can break down almost any substance into nourishing nutrients.

– most of his day is spent romping, contemplating, meditating, musing, enjoying nature, deciphering compositions of music, pondering, sitting, and taking drugs.

– he can spend even three days sitting on a rock, pondering something so intentley that he is in a completely trance-like state.

– he has obtained nirvana. that is probably why he is so happy.

– he does not speak at all. i dont know if he just cant talk or if he doesnt want to. so none of us will ever know his wonderful revalations. though someone thought they heard him say “sh-t” after dropping an icecream cone one time.

– some say he is a reincarnation of buddha.

– his friends are: jesus (because he is still out there somewhere), the dali lama, hippies, philosiphers, ghandi’s ghost (which haunts a family in nevada), father oceania, garden gnomes, trees, and lil jon.

– he does acid, shrooms, and pot often.

– he loves to play solitare. i dont know why. but he does it on the computer, on his calculator, and with his friends.

– he loves to play the guitar, the b-ss flute, and the tambourine.

– no one is sure if he has genitalia or not. but he pees out of the hole in the top of his body, by rolling upside down and letting it run out.

– he has extremely sharp reactions. many people like to poke him in his eye, since it is so big and pokeable, but he will close his eyelid in a flash, often enclosing the person’s finger in it. then his eye juices slowly start to digest the finger.

– he is a frequent guest of the conan o’brien show, though he doesnt say anything, had his own daytime talkshow, though he didnt say anything so it got cancelled within a month, appeared on the maury povich show once for no reason, and some say you can see him in the background of one of the lord of the rings films.

– he holds the answer to the mystery of the universe.

– some say he has been living forever. he was never born, and will never die, because he was here always. weeirrddd sh-t.

– he loves slurpees. i mean, he frickin loves them.

– he is s-xually attracted to lava lamps, and cardboard, if rubbed against him, gives him extremely intense -rg-sm-feelings in his teeth.

– he loves to romp in feilds. oh how he loves to romp!!!

– he hasn’t a care in the world.

– no one has ever been inside of him (he is a jar.) some say they looked inside, to see extraordinarily beautiful and bright colors, colors that don’t exist in this world, and were flooded with extreme happiness. looking inside of him can be a life-changing experience for a lot, so there are sometimes h–rds of people stalking him. though some have reported seeing an old wrinkly bald man/panda, stripping for dancing tacos inside. i have no idea what that is about.

– some say that the inside him is the link to another dimension, or an alternate universe.

so that pretty much sums him up.

the other day i spent a day with the wisdom jar, and his presence filled me with serenity and peace for many months afterwards.