thirty-seven pence


amount of money a stranger, almost always a second-rate excuse for humanity, will ask to “borrow” (as if they would pay it back, even if they could) from you when they accost you outside a public transport hub in britain. it’s always thirty-seven pence that they ask for. 37p gets you virtually nothing; a small chocolate bar, a cup of tea in a really grotty cafe, a newspaper. it certainly isn’t enough for a ride anywhere on a train, bus or metro/subway/underground train. it’s frequently a charva (chav, for those unused to north-eastern english slang) who’s asking. i suspect drugs, although i wonder how much smack can be attained for 37p, and how much of it is actually sand, demerara sugar, brick dust or other delightful substance.
some charva: “hyaa man can yer help us oot? reet, aah’ve lost me wallet, an’ ah need ter gan doon tae wor l-sses hoose. could yer lend uz thorty-sevn pence, how? ah wouldn’t norm’ly ask, like, but, yer knaa…”

your verbal response: “no.”

your imagined response, #1: (pulls out large shotgun loaded with special sh-ll with thirty-seven one pence pieces instead of the usual b-lls of shot, and shoots charva in the gut) “boom. best thirty-seven pence i ever spent.”

your imagined response, #2: “taxi! here’s ten quid, take this man as far as you can into the countryside. he’ll probably make a fuss, it’s his medication. he needs fresh air and a good walk, so just leave him whereever the money runs out.”

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