Tri-bag

(noun): contraction of two ent-ties: “triathlon” and “douche-bag”. a tri-bag is a human being, male or female, who defines their existence based on the next triathlon or training for a triathlon they will undertake. tri-bags typically struggle maintaining relationships with other human beings unless they are tri-baggers as well. hence tri-bags tend to hang out together and compare notes on their “strokes”, “breathing”, and which model of subaru they will purchase next. tri-bags are usually fairly easy to spot and identify. sometimes they are confused with “cross-bags”, their cross-fit counterparts.

some signs of a tri-bag:

1) within the first 3 sentences of a conversation they mention that they have or will partic-p-te in a triathlon.
2) ironman logo is prominently tattooed on their one of their calves (it doesn’t have to be on the calf but this seems to be the preferred location – look here first)
3) they drive a subaru (this is probably a 20% chance of being a tri-bag)
4) they drive a subaru with a “26.2” sticker in the rear window (~74% chance now)
5) they drive a subaru with a bike racks and a “70.3” or a “140.6” (99% chance – only reason this is not 100% chance is that the person driving the car could be the disgruntled spouse or emotionally neglected teenage child using vehicle).
6) they drive any other vehicle with “70.3” or a “140.6” (>90% chance)

7) their bicycle cost more than the gdp of ireland.
i went to john’s party last night. i couldn’t find a place to park; subarus were ubiquitous in the surrounding area. once i got inside, it was full of tri-bags taking baby-sips of craft beer and comparing “strokes.”

or
i really wanted to take up swimming but i could got too annoyed with all the tri-bags at the pool so i became a cross-bag instead.