Ugly Christmas Sweater

a hideous article of clothing, received from relatives who don’t like you. it’s origins are ancient and were initiated to punish kids who wouldn’t eat their spinach. the relative always had a horrifying affliction ie: (mustached aunt) .

in recent years, the grown victims, have turned the tables, with the ugly sweater contest. the once feared object that was used to force you into submission, is now coveted party gear, that wins $ and prizes.

the word “sweater” is used loosely, as vests, turtlenecks, and various accessories are equally acceptable.

warnings: 1. safety first! when dressing for an ugly sweater contest, please remember to cover the thing from view, while in public. a truly hideous sweater, gets noticed, and could cause an accident. 2. beware of bait and switch tactics. bosses will sometimes lure innocent employees into attending dreadful office parties, by using using a sweater contest as bait. when the victim arrives, they find the so called “contest” is a ruse, and the “fabulous prizes” consist of a: unpaid overtime, labeled as “lunch with the boss” b: a desk calendar, with the dates filled in, c: a grotesque statue, made from two paperclips, an orange rubber band, and something that looks suspiciously like belly b-tton lint. d: a stale fruitcake.

to avoid this, demand a flyer beforehand. the prizes should be listed, and the flyer must contain the managers signature at the bottom, or they will try to weasel out of it.
kid:
“oh cr-p! here comes aunt mildred! please help me! she has an ugly christmas sweater for me, i just know it! i promise i’ll be good…don’t make me wear it…”

parent:
“watch your mouth! i’m sure it is a perfectly lovely sweater, and you will put it on immediately, so we can take our annual family photo for the newsletter. now answer the door, and give aunt mildred a big hug and kiss”.