UMass Amherst

a m-ssachusetts public inst-tution of higher learning located in the middle of nowhere aka amherst, m-ssachusetts. the location leads to the insane amount of partying that occurs, since there is nothing better to do. for the academic year of 2005-2006, um-ss amherst (also known as zoom-ss or zoom-ss-slamherst) was rated by the princeton review as the #9 party school in the country. abc also rated it the most violent campus in the nation, but this was based on skewed numbers and outdated facts. um-ss is home to sylvan residence area, rated as one of the most s-xually active campus residences in the country. despite this, and noted sylvanites such as frank black of the pixies, sylvan tends to be the last choice for residence for all incoming and current students due to its distance from the parties and campus center. um-ss is home to world-reknowned polymer studies and linguistics programs, and the isenberg school of management rates among many ivy league business schools as the best in the country. the most popular majors are biological and physical sciences, communications, and psychology. it has an undergraduate enrollment of over 18,000 and is growing larger by the year.
well, i got into all the schools i applied to, but i can only afford um-ss amherst.

(typical example of the plight of college students.)
the zoo is a large city located in the center of a small town known to society as amherst, m-ss. this town would not other wise be known if it wasn’t for the school. um-ss amherst is a place in which new amsterdam may be rivaled in terms of the amount of ganja that circulates through the campus, especially in central. kids pregame harder than most kids party and parties are bigger on a monday night than they would be at any other school on any given friday or sat-rday night. this is the 7th party school in the nation and the most violent. our pride for the red sox is so strong that we are willing to flip over cars to demonstrate the love we have for our team and our alcohol consumption may lead to problems later in life. but h-ll, we’re young.
person 1: what did you do last weekend?
student: i think i was at um-ss amherst. i don’t remember. i was wasted.
1) the # 9 party and #1 most violent school in america; 2)you’ve never heard of so many joints smoked or bottles emptied in just one single 10×12 (if you’re lucky) room; 3)the only place you will find a friend who lives across campus who wants to order a pizza with you at 3am on a tuesday night, but the pizza will get to you before your friend because you’re so far away.
everyone at um-ss amherst: drinks, smokes, sleeps either all day, or not at all, has red sox/patriots pride and if not they don’t represent out of fear.
“what school do you go to?”
“um-ss amherst”
“oh jesus, how’s your liver?”
you bet your um-ss amherst it is.
my gosh is that you?

um-ss amherst it is!