anti-splash paper
1. a sheet or two of bog roll placed carefully so as to uniformly cover the surface of the water in the bowl of a toilet prior to dropping the kids off. usually employed by those who do not enjoy the sudden cold, wet sensation on their ringpiece following displacement of water by a free-falling, splash-inducing t-rd.
2. also used when a desperate bogward-rush to a public convenience results in the trousers coming down at the same time the turtle’s head begins to appear and the discovery is made that some b-st-rd left nessie waiting for you. mitigates against the prospect that splashback will include someone elses faecal matter or p-ss. it is considered wise to favour more sheets in this scenario.
1. i had an absolute monster on the way and it was a cold morning so i opted for some anti-splash paper.
2. there was no holding it back, i had already locked the door and me kecks were round me ankles when i noticed a previous signature loitering in the pan. anti-splash paper was the only way to keep it personal.
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