Catholic University of America

a small university located in the ghetto ne section of washington, dc called brookland. the only university in the u.s. chartered, owned, and run by the vatican in rome. the population consists largely of people from “near-philly,” but new york, m-ssachusetts, and the washington/baltimore metro areas are also common. the population has a good percentage of “g-d-squad,” from campus ministry, but everyone at catholic knows how to party. yes, even those in the g-d-squad. in a recent playboy list of top party schools, miami was number one, but catholic was asterisked underneath with detail: “we don’t rate professionals.” catholic students are often the main (illegal) customers of bars, johnny k’s and brothers, and on saint patrick’s day, you won’t find better campus spirit (or more openly drunk people and skipped cl-sses) then at catholic. often seen running around campus are random artsy music/theater people and a 30% gay population, despite the catholic name. one can expect to find lots of conservatives, pro-lifers, popped collars, flip-flops all year round, and m-ss h-m-geneousness. a school for smart kids who slacked off in high school, always full of controversy over the speaker-policy, and always in the washington post due to its dramas.
guy 1: “hey! in exactly 4 months it’ll be st. patty’s day, we need to get movin with plans!”
guy 2: “omgosh you’re right, put on your flip flops, pop your collar, we have to make an itinerary for the day.”
guy 3: “yea, we’ll need 10 cases of beer for the four of us, green die, and stops at brother’s and k’s..”
guy 4: “don’t forget, we gotta get up at 8am to start drinking.”
a drinking school with a catholic problem in ne washington, dc.
i was gonna go to m-ss, but i had to go to k’s sat-rday night.
humorist pj o’rourke once stated, “i’ve always figured that if g-d wanted us to go to church a lot he’d have given us bigger behinds to sit on and smaller heads to think with.”

after one visit, it becomes apparent that g-d has obliged pj with an entire university with suitable church-goers.

almost as a rule, the female students at catholic sport oversized b-ttocks, and often a bit of a tummy (for when they fall asleep in church leaning forward, perhaps?). additionally, sweat pants with the catholic logo are religiously (pardon the pun) purchased and worn, mainly because no jeans at a&f will fit.

pj’s theories are further proven by the intellect displayed by catholic u students. the females, despite having zany and purely incorrect beliefs on what const-tutes virginity (make sure he wears a condom!), are outdone by the males. on the one hand, they take some pride in living in one of the less-advantaged socio-economic areas of dc, but on the other hand they are quick to forget that they are provided with security that would have made the marines at khe sahn green with envy. the entire campus is ringed with gates, security card checks, and other such nonsense so as to provide a safety barrier between the students and the ‘murkier’ folk they are surrounded by. while conversing with catholic students, it is considered polite to drop the n-word several dozen times, even when discussing the question of why african-americans are ambivalent about supporting the republican party.

if i haven’t yet convinced you to pay cua a visit, i should point out one last detail. as long as you can conjure an even half-way decent reason for them to not feel guilt, the women are easier than 123. i take no responsibility if the condom breaks, however.

g-town student #1: “dude, wanna go down to union station and hit on some catholic university of america girls?”
g-town student #2: “f-ck no man, i want to actually earn my poon-tang tonight.”

au student #1: “i’m so glad that i didn’t apply to catholic!”
au student #2: “amen sister!”