Commercial Christian
someone who dresses in hip clothes and goes undercover to college parties, concerts, stoner smoke sesssions and bars to tell you how
totally radical, relatable, and real jesus is with their modern psuedo-hip spin on the religion. “christianity is not a religion bro, it’s totally a
rebellious way of life bro, it’s totally gnar!”
they are there to fill their conversion quota for the month and aren’t there to party. they have been known to be good looking people,
only the few are chosen for these missions, skilled rappers and dance moves like no other so as to draw in an audience wherein they can discuss the good book with the heathens. it can be hard to recognize them; but if you find yourself talking to one very s-xy hipster chick at a party named sunshine(or some sh-t like that) with a booty like two apples rubbing against each other under yoga pants and light green eyes under gl-sses, who starts asking if you’ve heard about our lord and savior jesus christ..well then you might have found a commercial christian. she has no intentions of b-mping uglies with you. the only guy she’s interested in, is jesus, she will break your tiny heathen heart into little ungodly pieces.
the best way to detect a commercial christian is to offer them alcohol and drugs. most will be instructed by their church/boss to refuse such things. if they accept it, get them sh-tfaced. be cautious, theyre persuasive and have trained long and hard to use jedi-jesus mind tricks on your brain.
dude 1:hey brohan! who was that dude you were talkin to? i wish i had fashion sense like him, straight outta gq bro.
dude 2: oh just some commercial christian, we took shots and he told me dinosaurs weren’t real.
dude 3: sup guys.. i just met this bomb -ss chick named rainbow, i think if i go christian i might have a chance
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