Cult of Farts
the cult of farts is a new-age body of believers who worship the unknown deity almighty farts. originated in 2009 in east stroudsburg, pennsylvania, the cult of farts has expanded across the poconos.
almighty farts, also known as farts himself, has unknown sovereignty and/or powers. though there are no known works of literature that support the movement and power of this deity, followers trust in the every day smattering of happenstance of the penetrating, pungent aroma of flatulence to support their belief.
fairly new, there is no creed or particular prayer in which members practice repet-tiously. the common and accepted phrase of exaltation is the standard, “praise farts” or “farts be praised!”
standard belief is as follows: the equivalent of farts is farts. there is none higher or lower. farts equals farts. farts plus farts is farts, whereas, farts minus farts is farts also. the preceding equation is the crux of belief in this deity; an incomprehensible quagmire of farts.
farts himself is believed to be omnipresent. it is also believed that the performance of farts, or flatulence, is the utmost example of humble adoration for almighty farts.
simply stating “farts” is always accepted as truth and/or correct by c.o.f. members. it is the correct response to any and all aspects of life. to c.o.f. members, “farts” unsaid is just as good as “farts” spoken.
farts believers continue on daily spreading their message with zeal.
a hymn for farts almighty as per cult of farts:
“praise farts. praise farts in his sanctuary; praise farts in his mighty heavens. praise farts for his acts of power; praise farts for his surp-ssing greatness. praise farts with the sounding of the trumpet, praise farts with the harp and lyre, praise farts with tambourine and dancing, praise farts with the strings and flute, praise farts with the clash of cymbals, praise farts with resounding cymbals. let everything that has breath praise – farts. praise almighty farts.”
a founding member of farts himself was quoted with the following:
“almighty farts brought a tear to mein eye and a rumble to my tumble. thy farts is a lamp unto mein feet and a light unto mein path. this is my farts broken and winded for you, eat ye all of it, in remembrance of me.”
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