Manchester United

a t-shirt and merchanising team, also plays football but to a lesser extent

1999 champions league final

manchester united win the 2004 f.a. cup
a famous football club from china and south-east asia, but for some strange reason is based in north west england.

it has a few thousand supporters in england, but the majority of its fans are the chinese, thais, vietnamese and laotian.

several medical studies have conclusive proven that a large percentage of their fan base suffers from dementia, megalomania, delusions of grandeur, latent h-m-s-xual tendencies and irritable bowel syndrome.
fan 1: “manchester united is the greatest team in the world”
fan 2: “manchester united is the greatest team in the universe”
fan 3: “gary neville is the best looking male football player in all of creation”

neutral fan: “manchester united are the second best team in england, the seventh best in europe, and outside of the top ten in the world. gary neville makes shane macgowan look like george clooney”
a team followed by bandwagoners and (formerly) teenyboppers who went for them because “david beckham is sooo hot!” a money-making, merchandise spinning, wh-r- enterprise that plays a bit of soccer on the side.
“who do you go for in the english premier league?”
“manchester united!”
“name another team that plays in the premier league?”
“uhhhh- uuuuuhhhhhh”
“exactly!”
everything that is wrong with modern football – with their johnny come lately fans (from croydon and ess-x, mostly), merchandising empire that makes them more money than on-pitch endeavours, and the greatest bunch of cynical cheating sc-m you could ever cast your eyes on. also former home to david beckham and eric cantona, if you needed an easy reason to hate them.

yet they seem to have one major contradiction – they want to sign any player under the sun (not signing a player courtesy of the sun, as they usually do), yet don’t want malcolm glazier and his money that would help them do so.
pedro mendes from the halfway line.
ruud van nistelrooy winning (another) dubious penalty.
roy keane trying to end alfie haaland’s career.
the players chasing the ref around the pitch when they don’t like his decision.
alex ferguson pointing to his watch for (even) more stoppage time when they’re losing.
another player from a small club being “unsettled” by the sports pages in the sun, bullying their club into selling him (ie, dwight yorke, louis saha)
a football team with fans from all over england except manchester. there manager is one of the most dispicable people ever to make it on tv and due to there large glory hunting fan base take up valuable time on sky sports with storys that aren’t even news. most of there supporters have’nt got a clue about football and go to watch one game a year if they are committed coming up with typical glory hunter excuses for supporting them like my grandad once went on holiday to manchester. they are everything that is wrong with football today from all the money being at the top of the game, to overpaid young men who have lost touch with reality, to brainless supporters who wonder why the goalkeeper is wearing a different kit to everyone else. there stadium sucks it might be big but its ugly and soulless with fans who only sing when they are winning and even then its just a few of them. they should be demoted to league 2 for the blatant favouritism referees give them then see how many make the long trips from ess-x, warwickshire and south east asia to watch them play.
football fan: how many manchester united games have you been to this year
manu fan: none but i did go to one in 1998 its a long way from stratford
football fan: why do you support them then?
manu fan: my auntie went on a day trip to salford in the 70s, did you hear on sky sports that the players are not going to be complacent this year
football fan: yes i was watching to see if there was any real football news about transfers and results but instead i was subjected to that big scottish tomato face rambling on again i wish that tramp who battered him had finished him off.
a merchandising company based in manchester, england, who are responsible for paying the referee salaries in the english premier league, also to some extent involved in playing football.
person a: this year -rs-nal will win the premiership! they smashed chelsea yesterday 4-1!

person b: no, manchester united will win, they have the most expensive players and the best referees.
the pride of all europe. 68 99 08 – the squad including scholes, giggs, ferdinand, rooney, vidic, evra, tevez and the awe inspiring ronaldo have done the busby babes proud. i speak as a life-long supporter who grew up in hearing distance of the ground so am hopeful that my opinion will actually count to some of the mufc hate brigade. personally i couldn’t give a toss if our support is spread round the world, nor do i lose sleep over our agressive marketing strategy – every time some kid buys a rooney pencil case and a ronaldo face cloth it all goes towards making us stronger financially. and with the amazing sir alex ferguson leading us ever forward how on earth could i moan?? watch out liverpool, we’re right on your tail – can’t wait to get past cos it reeks of unwashed sh-gged grannies and partially digested rat stew.
q: who’s won it ten times?

a: that’ll be our ryan, for the glorious manchester united

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