New Canaan Police

a p-ss-poor excuse for a police department that “serves” the town of orange coun – er, new canaan connecticut. due to the absence of any real crime in new canaan, the responsibilities of the glorious ncpd includes pulling over newly licensed teenagers for 5-10mph speeding and b-tching at them like they just committed homicide. it’s a real good thing they stuck it to those hardened criminals by putting unnecessary blemishes on their driving records and skyrocketing their parents’ insurance premiums. go new canaan. the flagship officers of the department often secure the more high-risk calls, such as standing around like dumb-sses at school dances and other events, and then make frequent visits to the school parking lot for the rest of the night where they intercept teenagers returning to pick up their cars after having some fun with their friends, question them, and often breathalyze them as they do at the entrance to every school dance.

even more pitiful than the police who ride around in their cruisers searching for teenagers to har-ss while they ignore the real threat – braindead trophy wives driving on their cell phones – are the “bike patrol corps.” yes, new canaan police have their very own bike squad. consisting of the cops that were too much of an embarr-ssment even on standard traffic duty, the bike patrol cops endure a 2 week training course the police themselves describe as “rigorous” to become bike cops. requirements for admission to the bike corps include the following…
-the b-lls to wear short-shorts over your gelatinous, hairy legs
-the ability to ride a bike without training wheels
-total lack of self-esteem
guy 1:hey man, did you hear about new canaan police officer ferraro?
guy 2: no, what’s up?
guy 1: he crashed his police cruiser twice while pursuing teenagers who were on foot, so they put him on bike duty. as a bike cop, a couple of teenagers switched the brakes on his bike. he was riding towards an old lady when he tried to slam on his back brake, but because they had been switched he hit the front brake, flipped over and radioed in “officer down.”
guy 2: no, you’re kidding.
guy 1: i sh-t you not. so, now they’ve got him on the night shift as bike patrol. if you want to see him, hang around elm street between midnight and 5am to catch him on his normal patrol route.
guy 2: wow, what a complete and utter disgrace to real police officers and departments everywhere.