Abhiraj
his name is abhiraj. he is a boy, just like any other boy, except he has a secret. one deep, dark secret. one that he keeps locked away, deep within himself, not just because he will punished for it by society’s harsh ways, but because if the world were to become aware of its existence, its tremondous potential could be used in the hands of evil. like lex luthor or oprah or some sh-t.
…he has the power to see through clothing. all the time. in fact, he can’t trigger when it’s on or off. it’s simply going all the time.
this power certainly has its obvious perks. the home-makeover section of borders. women’s olympic volleyball. the inside of a movie theater that happens to be playing the notebook. outside of a preschool. wait. sh-t.
however, in spite of all this, the power of naked people does not come without its costs. it is not always a gift. think about it… not everybody is a model. you sadly realize this within the first two minutes of aquiring your powers. those who were once friendly enough are now utterly horrifying. the mailman. your elderly neighbors. your obese uncle mark. before, you used to love his big, hearty bearhugs; now, after receiving one, you feel dirty and want to file a restraining order against him.
places which once brought you joy are no longer safe. nfl games, for example. yes, there are cheerleaders, that is certainly true. there are also roughly 60,000 other very fat, very drunk, and now, very naked people, gathered to watch other suddenly and unfortunately naked men, b-mping, grinding, and making you wonder if suicide is really all that bad. who cares if your team has made the playoffs now; you just unwillingly saw a bunch of sacks and tight ends.
thus, x-ray vision can cause its holder to become seclusive, locked inside of your room all day in order to escape the horrors of normal people naked. you don’t even care about what you’re wearing anymore because you can’t see your friggin’ clothes, remember? you can only see through them. now what? throw away those fancy polos, johnny. you’re not going to be needing them when the only brand name you’ve got now is nudity hilfiger, or aeropostnude, or abernudie and naked.
he’s not entirely sure how he developed his powers. it’s hard to say, really. maybe it was when abhiraj fell into the radiation tank. maybe it was when abhiraj used more than two tablespoons of powder for his tang flavored beverage. it’s hard to tell, and now, it is harder to cure his illness.
however, he cannot use his powers to help people, like any other superhero could. n-body wants help from a kid you know can see you naked. yes, you would love to have someone with super-strength lift up a tank and throw it 200 yards away. yes, you would love for someone with spider powers to swing around kicking people in the face. but no, you would not say yes to someone who offered to help you cross the street if that person can see your reese’s pieces. yes, i just called them reese’s pieces. you read that right. don’t try to x out of this window. the damage has been done. you’ve read this much, might as well finish the job.
in conclusion, it is not society’s fault that abhiraj is this way. if he could, he would gladly go back to the day when he didn’t have to look at the floor during family dinners. the days when he could look at his old french teacher while parlez vous-ing the francis (francis is a pretty cool guy). and he misses the days when watching dudes jump-rope wasn’t absolutely horrifying. sadly, those days are long gone, and what remains is a broken, broken child, surrounded by constant nudity.
i swear to g-d, he has to see so much nudity you’d swear to g-d it was free sausage day at ihop. sorry, no better way to end this definition. maybe next time.
wow. you just skipped all that just to read a summary. don’t care about abhiraj? i’m hurt. fine, here, the ultimate pick-up technique at a bar, club, college, library, retirement home, etc.
—
-tell a girl to come over by using one finger (you know… the universal “come here!” sign-
-girl walks over-
girl: yes?
you, the one who’s about to score: if i could make you come with one finger, imagine what i can do with my fist!!!!
-proceed to hold up a fist-
-proceed to have the greatest night of your life-
—
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