acupressure

an extremely expensive m-ssage. it is the equivalent of acupuncture, but without needles, just their hands and fingers.the traditional chinese medicine “doctor” will tell you that they’re re-aligning your qi, or chi. they will tell you that they’ve cured people of many illnesses, but in reality the people simply got better as a result of our amazing human biology and immune system. if you ask them more about their field of study, they’ll give you a very detailed explanation of how energy flows through your body and the history of chinese medicine. however, none of their theories have ever been supported by empirical research. in other words, there’s a 99.9999% chance it’s all made up, despite being very old in chinese literature. this is often used as an argument to somehow prove its validity, but is ultimately meaningless.
sick lady: “i’ve been having horrible stomache pains for the last three days, and i had bl–dy diarrhea all morning! i think i need to see a doctor.”

tcm advocate: “no way! they’ll just prescribe you terrible drugs that will cause you more damage than whatever you’re going through, and charge you huge medical bills! go see a chinese medicine doctor, and they will cure your illness in one session! i know of a good one, here’s his card. i once went to him with a headache, he told me i had a huge brain tumor! but instead of dangerous brain surgery he simply did 10 sessions of acupressure and afterwards it was gone! at first he wanted to do acupuncture but i told him i was afraid of needles and so he said they weren’t important anyways, and that he could do it all with just his hands! he’s amazing!”

sick lady: “oh that sounds great! yeah i don’t trust western doctors anymore. plus, health insurance is a big scam anyways. that’s why i cancelled mine. also, i didn’t vaccinate my newborn baby because it’s her health that i’m most concerned about.”