Ballymena

geographically, ballymena is a large town situated in central county antrim in northern ireland. although the town has an interesting and promising history it still manages to disappoint.

with a population of 28,717, 58.2% of which are chavs, 19.1% of which are drug dealers, 15.6% of which are hypocritical bible bashers and the remaining percentage hide in their homes praying for the apocalypse.

ballymena is described by some observers as being at the heart of northern ireland’s bible belt. unfotunately it is more approporiate to say that it is the centre of northern ireland’s drug problem with 87% of the worlds supply of cocaine coming from the dunclug estate within the town’s limits. furthermore, according to a recent investigation, it was discovered that ballymena not only boasts more heroin per head of poulation than any other town or city in europe but that the town alone also consumes more marijuana than any country elsewhere in the world.

of the chavs of ballymena it can be seen that there is a distinct hierarchy of sorts within this subculture of lower cl-ss primates. this being as such that the chavs of the area work in packs, each of which is governed by a chav matriarch. this chav matririarch can be described in a manner similar to that of the queen alien for anyone who knows of the alien sci-fi films. that is, she is a large, disgusting creature whose sole purpose is to reproduce. she can be identified by her unique style of clothing (leisure trousers made from a toweline material and 6 sizes too small, a worn down strap top also 6 sizes too small, possibly an oversized kappa jacket, flip flops and sungl-sses), her tied-up, greasy, dyed-blond hair, her abormally large gold-hoop earrings and the fact that she has been rid six ways from sunday this morning alone despite the fact she is 13. she will also inevitably be heavily pregnant and surrounded by her gang of foraging low-lives(chavs). these are her minions as such and she makes good use of them. these minions can expect to be called up to fulfil any number of roles; to protect the matriarch in times of war, to steal food or luxuries for the matriarch, to mate with her etc. etc. these packs come from many ares of the town including the dunclug estate, fisherwick, ballee, ballykeel 1 and 2 and also harryville. although it would seem to be in their best interests to combine forces and take over the town, for secterian reasons they refuse to and so luckily for the town they have not risen to power as of yet.

more recently the town has had to endure an epidemic of small, withered, corpse-like creatures, claiming to be human. these “emos” as they have been branded have caused serious problems for the town but not as you might think. the problems mainly arise in the fact that due to every emo male wishing to look like a normal girl, there will be a waiting list about three weeks long in order to receive black eye shadow as it has become so sought after in the town by the f-ggots (emo males). the male emos like to dress in their 8 year old sisters black jeans and wear long sleeved tee-shirts which are black in colour and display the names of thier favourite bands such as my chemical romance. the will have dyed black hair that covers about two thirds of their face and will wear as much black make up as can possibly be applied. the girls will simply wear tight jeans and black long sleeved tops. their hair is mostly dark although variations can be observed.

as an actual town ballymena boasts some excellent facilities. once again though, these promises fall drastically short with places of interest such as the ballymena museum which allows visitors to read about the history of the thatch inn. admittedly alot does happen in a bar where the idea of an eventful night is someone p-ssing gas. visitors can also visit the historical site of ballymena castle! unfortunately, this was demolished in the 1950s to allow for the building of a leisure centre. hoorah! it is said.. “in 1870 the people’s park, ballymena was established, now a mature and beautiful setting, which continues to be a very popular park today.” unfortunately those to whom it is a popular place to be not only consist of happy families and friends playing football but also extreme numbers of underage drinkers.. but not to despair, if you can fend off an -ssault from 10-25 males between the age of 16 and 22 brandishing baseball bats and b-tterfly knives then there is no reason for you not to enjoy a night out at the sportsbowl.

on the other hand, it is possible to have a great meal out in ballymena with a fine selection of restaurants throughout the townland. and after you have had your meal you can go out and enjoy a quiet pint so long as you are well known in the watering hole. if not then keep your head down and hope the projectiles miss.

so in summary, there are a few suggestions which should be considered before visiting ballymena..
1) if you hope to keep your family and friends out of trouble and keep them “clean”, don’t bring them!
2) so long as you keep your head down, don’t wear anything offensive or anything with bright colours, as long as you get out before sunset, you should be ok! and finally
3) just because ballymena isn’t the best town in the world, it’s still our town and as such, you can’t slag it! it’s ours and we are very proud of our little town.. thanks 🙂

-it should be noted that this entry is only a joke amongst people from ballymena and as such it is not an accurate description. i encourage people to come to ballymena and enjoy what it has to offer in full for themselves.
ballymena, what a place 🙂