banapkin

a hybrid plant bred using the seeds from a banana and a pumpkin. it is grown exclusively in peasingwold, north yorkshire (see below).

the banapkin has a soft leathery outer skin, which is a sort of dirty yellow/orange colour and is usually not eaten. it has an extended spherical shape, not dissimilar to a rugby football except the banapkin is slightly bent (like a boomerang). the inside is soft and delicious. it may be eaten raw, or better cooked (see below). the banapkin is a so called superfood, as many exceptional health benefits are -ssociated with it.

-peasingwold-

the village of peasingwold, north yorkshire, was belatedly added to the world map when in 1999 a student at peasingwold technical horticultural college developed a now patented technique to fuse together the seeds of a pumpkin and a banana. the student, mark foe, sold his technique to the local working mens club for a pint of john smiths and a bag of prawn c-cktail flavour crisps. the patent is now worth an estimated £350million. in 2005 the aa added peasingwold to it’s list of 3 places to see before you die, where it replaced london.

-physical properties-

weight (approx): 1 (kg)
volume (approx): 5 (dm-3)
electrical conductivity: 10 (sm-1)
ph: 5
magnetic permeability: 500 (hm-1)
refractive index: 4.2
speed of sound in banapkin: 300,000 (ms-1)
viscosity: 999,999,999 (pa-s)

-cooking-

although the banapkin may be eaten raw it is best cooked. a small amount of salt brings out it’s tasty flavour which may best be described as a cross between a potato and chicken. many famous chefs including gordon ramsey, jamie oliver, delia smith and shaque o’neil recommend roasting the flesh of the banapkin before serving on a bed of fresh salad. gas mark 9, 300c or 480f for around 3 hours a pound plus 20 minutes is the suggested roasting guideline. i personally enjoy banapkin in my man breakfast and often fry it up with the bacon.

-cost-

the banapkin is an inexpensive treat, and may be bought at any branch of hsbc bank for the same price as seven loaves of bread or five fishes. the price of the banapkin did fall shortly after the tradgedy of 9/11, when malicious apple farmers claimed that trained banapkins and not members of al-quaeda had masterminded the attacks.

-health benefits-

the banapkin is chock full of antioxidants, the chemicals scientists believe slow and in some cases even reverse the ageing process. in addition the banapkin has vitamins a, b12, c, d, e, w, riboflavin and tin, and is a good source of protein and other long-lasting slow-burning fuels. historically banapkin was a herbal remedy used to cure aesthetic disfigurement, although the success of this treatment has yet to be scientifically proven.

-media coverage-

given the many exciting things connected with the banapkin, media converage has been surprisingly limited. the bbc news anchor huw edwards was recently seen noshing on a raw banapkin at the start of the 6’o’clock news, although he denied this and claimed he had in fact been noshing on fellow presenter fiona bruce. the times newspaper ran a four page spread on the banapkin in 2003 and this prompted m-ss consumption of the peculiar delight. it is believed that the poor media coverage of the banapkin is connected with the strangle hold that right-wing corner shop owners, who are banned from selling the produce, have over the world media.

-the future-

the future of the banapkin is shrouded in mystery. in 2006 the peasingwold working mens club sold the patent to an unnamed australian company for an 8 figure sum. the only thing known about the company are their initials, acb, which has led many leading sports experts to conclude that the success of the aussies in the 05/06 ashes series was due to the banapkin in addition to other performance enhancing substances.
-recipie for banapkin pie-

you will need:

4 banapkins
1 tbl spoon of salt
1 family sized, ready made, chicken pie

directions:

peel the banapkins and mash up the flesh using a fork. as you mash the flesh, add all the salt gradually.
take the pie, and cut it in half. scoop out the filling so you are just left with a ‘pie sh-ll’. feed the removed pie filling to your neighbours or pet grizzly.
stuff the mashed banapkin into both halves of the ‘pie sh-ll’. now bring the two halves of the pie together so it looks like a complete pie. sprinkle a little more salt on top of the pie, and roast in the oven for around 3 hours on gas mark 9, 300c, 480f. serve with red wine.