bible

an ancient novel full of murder, corruption, h-m-s-xuality, b-st–lity, incest and cruelty. it is often read to children on sunday.

reader discretion is advised.

pictures of niv bibles =)
old testament: g-d creates the universe and he sees it and it’s serious business, but then satan pretends to be a snake and trolls eve, telling her ” apple or gtfo”(cuz she was already showing t-ts). she chooses the former and then her and her f-ck buddy adam get b& from eden for being trollbait. then a lot of serious f-cking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).

then later, g-d gets uber p-ssed about pharaoh hitler pwning the jews, so he gives moses some cheat codes for the universe. moses stages a m-ss slave runaway and opens up the sea so the jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient n-z-s; g-d lol’d.

some other less important sh-t happens, mostly composed of a bunch of f-ggots writing emo poetry about god for him to fap to.

new testament: g-d finds mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. nine months later jesus is born. for his 13th birthday g-d gave jesus more cheat codes than he gave moses, plus the rcon p-ssword for life, and some cp.

later, jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school jews hard. they got super p-ssed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. they forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life’s server, and laughed at the jews.

after that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this f-ggot paul wrote an -ssload of sh-t about s-x being evil and a bunch of other stuff that jesus never f-cking said but everybody listened to paul anyway because they’re stupid.

the end

– by noah mchugh
i read the bible, it was epic as h-ll.
the bible is probably the best book ever. you can use it as a coaster, hit people with it, look funny and quote it, eat the pages, fire fuel, toilet paper, start a war, control the stoopid people of the world, read it and become president, hanaukkah present, p-ss off the muslims, and turn back the clock.
i used my bible yesterday as a fiber subust-tute.
#1 fiction best seller
what is the need for a bible example?
a tremendous book that cultivates the belief that a cosmic jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree.
the bible helped me stop masturbating and taught me the value of sp-ce docking with g-d.
a historically ficticious piece of literature written to inspire the gullible, bring fear to small children and provide a good subst-tute for fire wood. does not mention dinosaurs.
“gee whiz! the bible does not mention dinosaurs. must be based on factual occurences!”

“the priest read the bible alone with the children. he must be a good guy and not a pedophile”
the bible in 50 words…

g-d made, adam bit, noah arked, abraham split, joseph ruled, jacob fooled,bush talked, moses balked, pharaoh plagued, people walked, sea divided, tablets guided, promise landed, saul freaked, david peeked, prophets warned, jesus born, g-d walked, love talked, anger crucified, hope died, love rose, spirit flamed, word spread, g-d remained.
– what other book has all the words from the bible?
– a dictionary.

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