Black Belt Baptist


a micro-p-ssive/aggressive christian, usually white male, who uses the king james version of the bible to further a personal agenda. this is usually done through heated debates with other christians, or extorting businesses by threatening a negative yelp review if they don’t give discounts on his donut ministry at the baptist church. most black belt baptists have rapid-cycling bipolar disorder. they will ramble incessantly about charismatic chaos, the niv, the new world order, and will get so worked up it sounds like they’re speaking in tongues. during an episode, it’s best to give a black belt baptist a “safe” area and a soap box to express themselves.
“mom, it’s time to go. dad’s goin’ black belt baptist again.”

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