Blakeporter

slang for park rangers, common in the upper midwestern united states. usually reserved for inexperienced men who compensate for their inexperience by being very p-ssive aggressive and rude. tend to be firmly “by-the-book” and distribute fines like candy. will not listen to reason, and are impervious to appeals to common sense.

originated to refer specifically to aforementioned park rangers, also can be used to refer to any male who is p-ssive aggressive and a total -sshole.
ranger blakeporter: “sir, i’ve noticed that you’re in a no swimming zone. i’m going to have to fine you for that.”

man: “i’m not even in the water!”

ranger blakeporter: “i understand that, but to be fair, i have to give you a citation.”
refers to a park ranger, specifically to the tendency of park rangers to be abrasive, p-ssive aggressive, and full of shame at their inability to have a meaningful impact on the world that does not include darkening a sunny afternoon. it should be noted that someone who is a blakeporter does not have feelings. they simulate emotions as a defense mechanism. they often live with the lifelong feeling that their mothers wanted to abort them. they often talk to real human beings in the futile attempt to establish relationships. (derived from the location of swimming areas in many state parks)
person one: that park ranger gave me a ticket for swimming in an unauthorized area of the park!

person two: don’t worry. at least you don’t have to live the rest of your life as a blakeporter.

person one: ha! ha! what an -sshole!