Bognor Regis

a unique place of both good and bad, the centre is known as a sh-t hole to human society, whilst the outskirts and neighbouring places like felpham, chichester and worthing are generally nice places. never go to bognor at night, it’s full of chavs being kicked out of local night clubs, throwing up and taking a p-ss on the beach, however sunny the place is (apperently it’s the sunniest place in england) n-body really enjoys the council flat infested area. the rox is a free music festival held by the goodhearts in bognor, small bands come to play and everyone has a good time, there are nice places in bognor, the royal hotel, the beach and some other places, but personally, if someone was visiting, i would reccomend staying in felpham
most people who live in felpham are nice and talk to there neighbours out of choice, most people who live in bognor regis are forced to talk to there neighbours when they complain to the next door council flat for having loud music and putting cigarette b-tts in thier bin.
bognor regis is a large area that currently occupies the area between littlehampton and chichester.

it is known for it’s large areas occupied by chavs, such as an area known to the locals as ‘lego’, which is almost solely inhabited by the blood and entrails of rival ‘gangs’ – often comprised of fifteen year-olds on scooters and meth addicts.
despite it’s faults however, bognor still manages to pull its muddy sloppy self up the ledge in order to grab the attention of tourists with cries of ‘butlins’ ‘butlins’.

most of these tourists disappear from the burberry-style fabric of bognor society never to be seen again.

the night life comprises of kids drinking and throwing up, burglaries and late night meth-fuelled raves. if you go to bognor or lego, you take your life in your own hands.
bro: “hey, so i heard you went to bognor regis last night, dude. how did it go?”
dying tourist: “they…shanked me…twenty times…i just told them to get a job…”
a town on the south coast of england that is slowly succ-mbing to a tide of dest-tution and urban decay, which is unsual for a town of bognor’s size and location.

visitors can try drinking in the wetherspoons before being stabbed, get a celtic band or tribal at the various tattoo parlours, sample processed ham from the discount stores and even try their luck at a bingo hall and job centre.

you can test your local knowledge at a pub quiz on the sea front, where teams of pub employees join in to answer questions about their own pub, and you can witness first hand the summer spectacular of northerners beating up the red coats at butlins then fighting with eastern europeans over the stuffed macaque they won in the doner meat-eating contest.

there are retail parks featuring matalan, burger king and skulking coal-eyed chavs who only speak in vowels, and some lovely cashpoints at which to have your card cloned, or ripped from your hands by the feral children of a chain-smoking, morbidly obese jabba with a wispy moustache.
you may also find yourself disorientated by a sudden burst of slavic languages from everyone around you, but this is a reflection of bognor’s multicultural diversity of poor white english and poor white polish.

bognor became famous for an appearance in the last episode of wish you were here, in which judith chalmers was stalked by a family of wendigo-people then dismembered and devoured. it was only ever aired on uktv gold.
geoffrey palmer: i once won an episode of catchphrase, and roy walker gave me the choice of bognor regis or chern-byl, which was still glowing at the time.

christopher timothy: i -ssume you went with bognor?

geoffrey palmer: only after i was absolutely convinced chern-byl was utterly irradiated and swimming with mutants. as it turned out, bognor wasn’t quite as irradiated, but had a higher mutant count. swings and roundabouts.