Cedar Rapids

cedar rapids is the 2nd largest city in iowa with a population in the metropolitan area of over 250,000 people.
it is home to the headquarters of rockwell collins and is also known as the cereal capitol of the world due to quaker oats, general mills and post all having their main factories in cedar rapids. ralston foods is also located in cedar rapids. due to all the cereal and dog food made in cedar rapids, it has many different scents on different days of the week. some days you smell captain crunch, other days what smells like wet dog food.

it is known as the city of 5 seasons. some joke that it is the city of 5 smells.
cedar rapids is the cereal capitol of the world, man!

“hey man, do you want to go to cedar rapids the city of 5 smells?”

wow, it smells like crunch berries out here.
no duh man. it’s cedar rapids.

the largest speed trap in the usa, cleverly disguised as a city with an inferiority complex.
“i drove through cedar rapids yesterday so i’m gonna be a bit late on this month’s rent.”
an expression for a dest-tute wasteland void of all human dignity and hope, in which there are more bars than books, and the inhabitance of those bars will talk endlessly to try and convince you that this is where they wanted their life to end up. where the scale of social structure is so below par when compared to other cities, that the absence of homeless people is less a reflection of a prosperous community, but rather the fact that it is better to be homeless anywhere, than to have a home in cedar rapids. where corn syrup souls only get away with lying to themselves, and where abandoned downtown buildings stand as the most accurate impersonation of a place with any semblance of reality. where hangovers subsidize the layovers of lives whose plane will never leave the gate, and where the only cultures that survive are the bacteria in the back of your mouth. where going for a walk is an oddity worthy of drive by heckling. where daybreak has no sunrise, and nightfall has no sunset. where children stand on the tips of their toes and look past the looming curvature of the earth in the hopes of seeing some place their dreams can run to without collapsing of exhaustion. an eddy on the side of the cedar river where people begin to stagnate into everything they never wanted to be.
but dad i hate grandma’s house, it’s so cedar rapids in there.
a city that is the embodiment of the term “f-ck you”.
in any other city people would ask why.
in cedar rapids people just say ‘f-ck you’.
america’s ugliest city. it is located in iowa, on interstate 380. often referred to as the “city of five smells,” it’s home to several chemical & feed plants that create a dense, putrid fog that surrounds the community.
the city is based along the cedar river, and residential areas spread across the land with no development plan, confusing locals and the rare unfortunates who happen to stumble upon the eyesore in search of other venues across the state.
it is home to the largest population of czechoslovakians (commonly known as “bohemies”) in the us. this roaming band of simpletons has controlled the city for over a century, creating a city complete disregard for taste or sensibility, illegal houseboat colonies on the cedar river, a practice of bulldozing half the community every 30 years in the name of “urban renewal,” and a penchant for ineffective flood control which has caused the city to be nearly destroyed by several floods in the past.
in recent years, city officials have done everything possible to completely destroy any “ident-ty” cedars rapids may have laid claim to by renaming the airport, referring to the area as “the corridor”, and re-naming nearly half the city as “the czech village.”
a final note to those who may wish to see such a place of mythical tackiness, bad taste, and poor judgment – beware- the city has installed speed and red-light cameras at nearly every intersection as a final “f-ck you” to everyone wishing to flee the area as soon as possible.
why does waterloo have so many black people, and cedar rapids have so many bohemies?? because waterloo got first pick.

what is that smell, i think i’m going to be sick!! oh, it’s just cedar rapids.
the city of five seasons. most residents don’t even know what the fifth season is. the fifth season is rumored to be the season of smog as raised by adm on the south side of town.

a city located in east central iowa… it is known for… absolutely nothing… one of the few places in the nation over 100,000 people where people are actually known to cruise the town’s first avenue.

industry is limited to rockwell collins and telemarketing due to our non regional dialect.

our learning inst-tution… kirkwood college has been recognized to have the greatest 13th and 14th grade programs in the nation.
i went to cedar rapids and it smelled horrible.

i went to the bars in downtown cedar rapids and drove home drunk.
the most bangin place in iowa. located in eastern iowa, it is home to xavier highschool and the hottest girls in the midwest. known by haters as cr-pids. the west side is also the best side.
i love me some cedar rapids. its the bestest

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