cigarette

1. a magic wand used to conjure buses. you can stand there for an hour waiting for your bus to come, but as soon as you light up a f-g, it will come round the corner, forcing you to put it out.

2. something that non-smokers frequently manage to die of cancer without ever using.

3. something for self-righteous but somewhat timid morons to declaim and campaign against without having to feel like they’re going out on a limb.

4. a drug that makes you violent and cuts your iq in half, damages your liver, frequently causes death on the roads and in homes, destroys careers, lives and families, and costs our country millions every year in lost productivity from people who are too sick to come in to work after using too much of it the night before. oh no wait, that’s beer.
let’s see, what shall i spend my time campaigning against? racism? no… how about religious fundamentalism? maybe pollution or censorship… ah, no, i’ve got it! cigarettes!
tobacco, rolled in a paper. then smoked. most of the time contains a filter. cigarettes kill you. i love them. i love the way they smell, i love the way they taste, i love the way they feel. they will kill me and i am fine with that. if you don’t love them, don’t smoke and shut the f-ck up.
“cigarettes are bad for you.”
“if people like you didn’t exsist i wouldn’t have to smoke.”
part of the official breakfast of champions™
the other part is coffee
the most blessed item on earth (other than beer and s-x). people who smoke pay more taxes therefore we are patriotic. cigarettes are usually found with a filter. people who don’t smoke should invest in a filter, b-tches. g-d knows, i would never smoke without one. in today’s modern society, smokers are a rare breed of people who could give two sh-ts about health, yellow skin, and stinky clothes because we realize that cough medicine is good, it’ll help you get better. soap will make your skin a normal color, and for g-d’s sake, if your clothes stink, then wash them. and ater all, your gonna die someday, and who the h-ll wants to be old with wrinkly b-lls and a p-n-s that no longer works? i will most likley never quit smoking because…
a) it is my civic duty to put into our government system.
2) i’m not a big fan of old people, don’t wanna become one.
c) it p-sses people off something fierce.
next) beer does not reach it’s maximum potential in taste without the wonderful taste of a camel light.
5) i want to die of something of my choosing, when i get lung caner, the doctors will put me on so much pain medication that i will not notice that the copious amounts of blood that i am coughing out have put my cigarette out.
f) sh-t, the movie stars do it.

times to smoke:
-when stressed
-after s-x
-while drinking
-after waking up
-before going to sleep
-while playing poker
-while bored
-while on smoke break
-before meals
-after meals
-when driving
-when drowsy
-when drunk
-when confused
-while deep in thought
-when around others who smoke
-when writing this definition
-when scared
-when nervous
-when around people who don’t smoke
-when doing laundry (i.e. stinky clothes)
-upon buying a new pack
-when introducing yourself
-when you are living life to it’s fullest
-when living fast and dying young
-when drinking coffee
-when coughing
-while watching a movie
-when angry
-after cl-ss

these are just a few good reasons and times to smoke. if you do not like smoking, do not smoke. if you do not like cigarette smoke, get a filter. if you don’t like smokers, don’t date them. and for f-ck’s sake, don’t i repeat, don’t tell a smoker that smoking is bad, we already know and furthermore…we don’t care.
–
johnny non-smoker: “you know, smoking is bad for your health.”
me: “oh my f-cking god, thank f-cking christ, you saved me, i had no idea that it was bad for my health, i’m so glad that a person such as yourself has come into my life and saved me from the dangers of cigarettes. you are truley a blessed person.”
johnny non-smoker: “well, man, i thought it was just the right thing to do.”
me: “oh wait, i forgot, i could give two sh-ts, i hope you die of second hand smoke. where the f-ck is my lighter?”
the amount of distance it takes to walk while smoking one cigarette.
f-ck going into town, that’s two cigarettes away and i only have one cigarette left.
designed by insightful people, who realized that the last 7 yrs. of life are not worth living anyway. those are the 7 yrs. you cant make coherent sentences, and you sh-t yourself constantly.
“grandpa you sh-t yourself again, here is a pack of camels!!!!!
a guilty pleasure, to say the least.
cigarettes every now and then are guilty pleasures.