counting douche

an ancient american rite of p-ssage for the young male brosef trying to prove himself on the modern battlefield (read: bars and clubs). counting douche has a long and rich history in the club scene and can be easily observed on any night where cl-sses get out early.

the act involves one male (hereby referred to as the ‘douche’) performing a physical act against another male-generally in the form of light body checking, body slapping, or other type of immature physical contact. the douche, contrary to popular belief, is not looking to start a physical confrontation as much as he is trying to impress his bro circle and their sk-nk squadron. confrontation is not rare, however, and much to the delight of nearby onlookers the douche is typically thrown headfirst back into his circlejerk of friends.

the most conservative definition of counting douche requires that the douche be physically smaller than his opponent. larger opponents may be sought out in order to achieve more ‘bro cred’ and choice mating rights with the sk-nks. if the douche is larger than his opponent then bravery (or is it stupidity?) does not come in to play; the douche is more appropriately referred to as an ‘-sshole.’

north america has a rich warrior history of counting coup, and counting douche is the latest iteration of this unique phenomenon.
example 1.
patron 1: hey, why is that squiggly little quimby with the three popped collars making it a point to keep b-mping into you?
patron 2: oh don’t worry he’s just counting douche.
patron 1: don’t let him touch you! his axe body spray will rub off and embed into your soft skin.

example 2.
bro 1: yo brah, i bet you a case of natty ice you too scared to start sh-t with fat larry over there.
bro 2: durr make sure the b-tches is watching whilst i begin counting douche.