crushin’ softies
is a term of art used to describe a methodology employed by the us military in an effort to siphon out h-m-s-xuals from service in response to the apparent lack of success of federal statute 10 u.s.c. § 654, or more commonly referred to as the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. if a male serving in any military branch is suspected of engaging in h-m-s-xual activity, they will be called before there superior officer and asked to crush softies with one of there peers. to “crush” the suspected gay will pull out his p-n-s and press it against the p-n-s of his crushing partner. the idea is that the male’s p-n-s will remain flaccid and non-erect when pressed against the other male’s wiener if he straight, thus proving his true s-xuality. however if his p-n-s becomes erect (a b-n-r), the male has failed the test, and undoubtedly likes to s-x other males in the f-nny, thus precluding him from further military service. (other words/phrases synonymous with the test include: “the crush game”, “b-mpin’ soft-d-ck”, “hamin’ sandies” and “captain crunchin”). a similar test has been used to target h-m-s-xual females, known as “crushin’ t-ts”, however results are generally understood as unreliable due to varying room temperatures and the fact that no one cares if hoes wanna scissor each other.
soldier: “lieutenant nilbog i’ve got some serious news. private johnson just got walked in on making a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread and listening to coldplay!”
lieutenant: “holy f-ck. go get johnson immediately and bring him in here. you two are gonna be crushin’ softies till we get to the bottom of this.”
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