Dr. Doom’s Proof of Inherent Flaws in Democracy

bah! doom is here to prove that athens, early rome, and all three george w.’s (george washington, george w bush, and his father) all had their heads on backwards and their eyes twirled toward non-existant gophers.

1st fundemental flaw: people are like monkeys: they’re bananas.

minor elections

1. exactly 5 people in any given general election know who any candidates are other than the presidential candidates.
2. those five people know who other candidates are because they are physically unable to stop watching television, and thus cannot rise and vote anyway.
3. and n-body else cares about local politics.
4. yet local elections still take a fair turnout. why? imagine you walk into a room expecting to eat a hot dog. and so you do. but after eating the hot dog, you turn to find the door locked. you look around and find the room completely white, and so unremarkable that you immediately collapse into explosive boredom, prepared to go insane from sensory deprivation. but wait. there is something you can do. somebody has left you two check boxes and a pencil. could be fun to check one of them. ooh! that was fun! let’s do it again! check! check! check! check! check! check!

and that’s all the thought that goes into voting for a minor office.

1. now that we’re in a childish fantasy world of escaping madness by checking boxes, let’s look at the things in the boxes. there are two methods: pick your favorite color, or go with the funniest sounding words. think about it. wouldn’t you rather vote for aquamarine freznit kerblinkipot!!!! than bill gray…

major elections

1. a person’s choice in a major election is determined solely by:

whether the person prefers eating deer, or petting deer. or “i’ll change my opinion if either of you offers me a cheap chevy suburban.”

this is vastly different than doom’s preference of hooking cybernetic warmachines and maybe a vampire to a deer.

flaw #2. why elections don’t matter anyway.

say congressman a is elected to represent party b, which opposes party c.

1. congressman a does all he can to meet the interest of those corporations (and individuals, if you really believe that) that he can in party b.
2. congressman a can’t do too much, because congressman d, who represents party c, has devised a system in which every action congressman a attempts is, instead of being debated in congress, thrown to the judicial or executive houses, which party c controlls. and thus you might as well have elected congressman d, so something at least can p-ss.
3. but even if you’d have voted for mr. d, your vote would have been lost in the shady bowels of a voting machine manufactured by members of party b.
4. and in the event of significant political pressure, mr. a will be more than happy at any rate to call himself a “moderate” and swing over to party c for moral reasons.

the amazing, spectacular alternative of dictatorship!

1. so you don’t care who gets elected locally? neither does doom! anybody can represent my explicit, iron will when i threaten their life!
2. your political inclination may be shallowly motivated, but doom has all sorts of good reasons why i should rule every aspect of your lives! and mine is the opinion that counts!
3. no congressmen will waste time bickering when doom gives an order! you’ll build that giant statue of me on your house’s roof, or i’m injecting flesh eating robots under your skin, locking you inside your house, burning it down, and then building a statue of me on your roof. see, no tricky political loopholes there!
4. political appearance. imagine your average political debate on tv or your average senate meeting or what have you. nothing but old people in suits arguing with each other. now imagine doom there. doom is wearing high tech power armor and a cape, ranting in third person, and shooting lasers at whoever dares to disagree with the majesty that is doom. doesn’t that make for more entertaining politics?

but wait, there’s more!

why settle for mere dictatorship when you can get a totalitarian, oppressive, militaristic regime lead by a dictator for the same price, that is, your total and unwavering obediance!

“but what’s so good about a totalitarian, oppressive, militaristic regime lead by a dictator?” you ask?

what’s good is that if you question my authority again, n-body will ever find your body! but let me show you what’s good:

1. tired of having to make all those icky and hard decisions? never again when doom applies his special remedy, a mandatory nationwide 30 year draft of children 6 years old and up! never will you have to make a desicion because when you serve in the doom army, thinking is a death penalty, and we know, oh we know.
2. a thief in your house? stole all your valubles? worry no more, crimes like these will be no more when doom takes away all your property and possessions and puts them under control of the government, and if someone did steal from you, you’d best not complain because then we’ll know, and if we know, you know no more.
3. tired of waking up to the sound of protest? just want to kill those stupid, filthy, disgusting hippies? worry no more, a nationwide death penalty against liberalism will cure those pro-“free thinking” douchebags.
4. never worry about abortion any more. obviously, a woman who needs an abortion is a wh-r-. if she wants her fetus killed, the government will -ssist her by executing her and then the baby will die with her. either that or we’ll turn them both into killer cyborgs and wipe their minds clean so they won’t remember their past.
5. education, everyone will get a free education equally. everyone is subject to brainwashing and mind wiping before they become a killer cyborg in our military. since we draft everyone from age six and up, they all get a free education in our military.
6. religion, no doubts about it, everyone will have religion as everyone must worship dr. doom as a god. when you are brainwashed and mind wiped, you will be programmed to worship dr. doom anyway. are you a die-hard militant atheist? it does not matter as you will be converted to doomism anyway whether you like it or not, and you will be programmed to like it.

so, in conclusion, doom is your rock ‘n’ roll gangster overlord, and you ain’t doin’ nothin’ about it!

dr. doom’s proof of inherent flaws in democracy