Flump sex

aka flumping.. (noun) the act of infact art of secreting the confectionary product known as “flumps” about the person of a s-xual partner (or flumpee), before during or after s-xual congress with you (the flumper). the game should be played over the course of a minimum 4 days with a possible 5th in the event of a tie break situation or “flump off”, though is not essential it be limited to these time scales and in fact can be played and infinate number of times or till reaching an age where the s-x stops happening and your just throwing flumps at one another that is probably the natural time to call it a day. flumping is infact banned in most care homes due to “inmates” or residents as they are also known waking up with white sticky stains leading them to think they had infact miraculously re-started p-b-rty.

that marvellous image aside.

the aim of “flumping” or “flump s-x” is to affix as many flumps to the flumpee by way of licking one side of it and letting it stick to the person, points are awarded as such:

10 points for a flump to the -rs- or lower back,

15 for the neck or shoulders,
20 for the legs or arms,
30 for chest or head,
flumps stuck to nipples or b-llb-gs count as an automatic win.

n.b. only flumps still stuck by morning will be scored as winning flumps

known celebrity flumpers:

david bailey
will smith
aristotle
jennifer love-hewitt
dante
zooey deschanel
leonardo
dara o brien
the late sir jimmy saville
“how did the date go rachel?”
“not bad he pretty fit, nice lad, dead funny, m-ssive c-ck there was just one thing though… have you ever had anyone use flumps on you during s-x?”
“whaaaat… erm.. no?!”
“hmmm i thought not.. he said it was this game.. it was big on the internet and that i should try it, i might like it.. i feel so stupid now.. i’ve showered and everything but cant get them off.. look!”
“oh my god.. your nipples.. we should ring for an ambulance… he must’ve been one h-ll of a flumper”
“thats just it… it was the best god d-mn flumping i’ve ever had”
—racheal looks pensively out of the window, smiling fondly……. fade to black

disclaimer: inserting a flump in any orafice with or without telling a partner is considered bad form and is not allowed by the rules of the official flump s-x governing body c.r.u.c.p. (carnal relations using confectionary products) and may well result in you having to call the tyne and wear ambulance service which will no doubt amuse them as they often need a laugh but it may not help you too much if you have a sticky marshmallowy discharge from somewhere unsavoury and live in derby.