Grandin Village

a neighborhood of roanoke, virginia that consists entirely of hippies and hipsters. grandin road runs through the middle of grandin village, ending at its intersection with memorial avenue.

on one side of grandin road, the hipsters m-st-rb-t- furiously to obscure and terrible movies at the historic grandin theatre and drink pbr heavily at the all-beer bar spike’s. there is also a 50s-style diner and a record shop on that side of the road to keep the hipsters happy.

on the other side of the road, the hippies frolic about in the roanoke natural foods co-op and play acoustic guitars in the amphitheater of virginia heights baptist church.

if grandin road was not in between these two groups of people, there would be an all-out war until every resident of grandin was dead. this would take 5 minutes and less than 20 people would die.

if you see someone crossing from one side of the street to the other, they aren’t from grandin.

from the 3-way intersection of memorial avenue and grandin road, memorial becomes more thickly populated by meth labs and crack houses the farther east you drive, and it becomes more thickly populated by rednecks, white-trash and various other groups of hicks who wear bath robes and smoke on their front porches the farther west you drive from the intersection. the best place to live in grandin village is right in the middle of the main intersection of grandin and memorial, and pray that a truck hits you soon and puts you out of your wretched misery.

you now know more about grandin village that you could possibly ever want to know.
a: “hey, i’m going to go to the independently-owned second-hand bookstore in grandin village, because i value my community.”
b: “i hate you.”
a: “you should come with me to grandin village and we can grab lunch and ice cream at pop’s diner, where we will enjoy authentic 1950s ambiance.”
b: “i hope you choke to death on your own smugness.”
a: “then, later on, we can catch that new french film at the grandin, the oldest movie theater in the roanoke valley.”
b: “you could die a thousand deaths and it still wouldn’t be punishment enough.”