Humphrey Hambone

variations include: humphrey hambone, humphrey, hambone, clumsy dog, that dog puppet, glue i need glue

1) an excessively clumsy person. a bad luck magnet. often, but not always, a person who does not follow simple common advice then ends up getting hurt, breaking something, and usually both.

2) a friend or acquaintance that seems to always need help or money. a loser that for some reason you keep helping out.

3) someone who keep borrowing your things, does not return them, and when you finally get the item back it has been ruined.

4) a leech. someone who cannot or does not want to take care of themselves so they keep scr-w-ng up. often a grown up child that needs mom to pay their debts, or a girlfriend that “can’t seem to balance a checkbook”. a selfish martyr.

origins: humphrey hambone was a dog puppet created by news anchor pat mccormick for his one-minute public service announcements on kgo-tv and ktvu-tv. most of them consisted of humphrey doing something stupid and charley horse (his friend, another puppet) turning to the camera and making a pithy statement about what humphrey did that was foolish.
humphrey is best remembered as the clumsy dog that yells out “glue, i need glue!” after breaking an antique lamp that he did not have permission to use (charlie famously yells out “you’re going to need lots of glue.”).
“humphrey: i said i borrowed it without asking. worry wart.
-big sneeze- -big crash-
glue, i need glue!”

“stoner 1: i can’t get this tupperware open. i need something to pry it open with. -picks up a gl-ss pipe-
stoner 2: give me that! i am not going to let you humphrey my $50 gl-ss pipe on a $2 bowl of cheetos. -hands him a knife-”

“chump: it’s 2 in the morning, and i have to work tomorrow. why are you calling me?!
stoner 2: can you drive us to the hospital? humphrey hambone here just accidently stabbed himself with a kitchen knife.
chump: why can’t you drive him?
stoner 2: i can’t drive right now. i was trying to use crazy glue to close the wound, but i ended up gluing my hands together.
chump: clumsy dog. alright, but this is the last time i bale you guys out.”

“chump: sh-t, why are the cops pulling me over? i just mailed out my registration.
stoner 2: oh, i forgot to tell you, i ran over the mailbox and none of the mail went out.
stoner 1: should i ditch the bl–dy knife?
chump: you, hambone! why the h-ll did you bring that with you?
stoner 2: so we could explain to the doctor why we didn’t use this gl-ss pipe.
police loudspeaker: pull over your vehicle now!
chump: oh, sh-t! you guys seem to have to my-ss touch.
stoner 2: not anymore. i remembered to wash my hands before trying to glue his wound closed.”