I-banking

short for investment banking, an industry devoted to squeezing money out of transactions, famous for paying a metric sh-tload, being filled with douchebags, and doing absolutely nothing for the benefit of society. it is amazing that anyone actually ends up in this industry, as you have to be very smart to get such a job, but very stupid to take it.

common characteristics are:
1) 80-100+ hour weeks, rarely even a weekend day off. although it pays a lot in absolute terms, if you consider it on a per-hour basis (including overtime pay), it’s not too far above minimum wage.
2) meaningless, tedious, mind-numbing work.
3) a constant false sense of urgency on all projects.
4) bonuses almost as big and sometimes bigger than base salaries, that is if you survive until bonus time.
5) ranking everyone in the firm on the scale {-n-lyst, -ssociate, vice president, director/executive director, managing director, and so on}, often even hr, secretaries, and sanitation workers. contradictorily, an “-n-lyst” in hr doesn’t -n-lyze anything, and a “vice president” really isn’t very important or high up at all.
6) consistently recruits top college graduates into voluntary sweatshop-like slave labor camps called “-n-lyst programs.”
vice president #1: “sh-t!!! i’m going to have to spend all weekend getting this investor request done!!!”
vice president #2: “calm down man, it’s not due back to them til the end of next week!”
vp #1: “no, it needs to be done now!!! where are all those -n-lysts we hired? one of them can do the mindless b-tch work.”
vp #2: “um, one committed suicide, two ended up in the mental ward, and another drowned in the huge pool of bullsh-t.”
vp #1: “d-mn it!!! we need to hire a new one. how about that janitor -n-lyst joe?”
vp #2: “um…i guess so…”
vp #1: “hey joe, do you want a job as a corporate finance i-banking -n-lyst here at goldman sachs? we’ll pay you $60,000 base and you’ll probably get $60,000 more in bonus. all we need from you is to give up every waking hour of your life, your health, and your soul.”
joe: “no thanks, i’d rather unclog toilets. besides, i already make $8 an hour – i don’t want to take a pay cut.”
vp #1: “oh sh-t!!! we’re so screwed!!! this needs to get done now!!!”
vp #2: “whatever man, just make nick d do it.”
ibanking is investment banking – you make pitchbooks for companies..basically try to sell companies. its an intense job.
ibanking is a tough job with intense hours.