Kavian

who’s kavian? simply put, a g-d among men, the future ruler of the world, and a fine pimp that ain’t afraid to slap you across the face with his c-ck.

it is said that when he was born, color was given to the world and two neighboring stars exploded; ushering in the greatest era in human history.

kavian was a creation of “the force”. when created, he weighed about a stunning 21 lbs (12 lbs was his p-n-s alone). without parents or guidance, he was raised by a pack of wild wolves, named alpha-wolf at age 3, and solved a rubix cube underwater blindfolded at age 3-and-a-half.

his middle name is “b-llsacko-grande”, swahili for “the-chosen-one”. in 1996, he was named heir to swaziland’s thrown and led them to unknown advancements in medical science and geography.

after his single-handed victory of world war ii, kavian was named “the jesus” by the tibetan monks. his t-tle signified him as being the one to bring balance to the elements of the world.

kavian is a man known for his kindness. back in nam’ he created the “i have a dream” speech for his boy, martin luther king, jr. he took no credit in creating it. later, he hunted down the man responsible for mlk’s (aka big daddy martin) -ss-ssination and brutally killed the man.

no mercy.

“the-most-interesting-man-in-the-world” relinquished his position to kavian.

so next time you’re down at the lowest point in your life ask yourself this: “what would kavian do.” either way, you probably wont be able to do what he would do.
“kavian died five years ago, but death is to afraid to tell him.”
~j.f.k

“kavian’s tears cure cancer… to bad he never cries.”
~django

“kavian counted to infinity… twice.”
~tupac

“kavian is the reason waldo is hiding.”
~new york times
the perfect girlfriend. and a total sweetheart. she’s everything you’d ever want in a woman, and more.

the most beautiful girl you’d ever lay eyes on. she has great hair, and she’s not afraid to flaunt it.
if looks could kill, you’d die after a fraction of a glance at her perfection.

she’s a very honest person, and she’ll speak her mind. she’s always right, so arguing with her is pointless.

kavian never backs down from a challenge, but you’d regret challenging her. underestimating her will ultimately lead to your doom.

symptoms of contact with kavian for an extended period of time include a loss of feelings for anyone else, increased heart rate, dizziness, insomnia and excessive fantasizing.

one of the funniest people you’ll ever know. kavian has a great sense of humor.
she can cheer up just about anyone.

the one that puts all of your exes to shame. her amazing personality and dazzling features are second to none, so always keep a can opener handy. you never know when you’ll need to open up a can of whoop–ss on whoever it is that tries to flirt with her.

however, she’s no pushover and can easily beat them up herself. or you, for that matter.

kavian is extremely loyal and would do anything for the people she cares about.
she’ll stick with you through thick and thin.

the most constant and abundant source of happiness on earth.
you’ll be smiling the whole time she’s around. if you’re lucky enough to be with her, never let her go.
she’s definitely a keeper.
kavian is just so perfect.

dang, i wish i had a girlfriend like kavian.

back off, bro. kavian is mine.
the perfect girlfriend. and a total sweetheart. she’s everything you’d ever want in a woman, and more.

the most beautiful girl you’d ever lay eyes on. she has great hair, and she’s not afraid to flaunt it.
if looks could kill, you’d die after a fraction of a glance at her perfection.

she’s a very honest person, and she’ll speak her mind. she’s always right, so arguing with her is pointless.

kavian never backs down from a challenge, but you’d regret challenging her. underestimating her will ultimately lead to your doom.

symptoms of contact with kavian for an extended period of time include a loss of feelings for anyone else, increased heart rate, dizziness, insomnia and excessive fantasizing.

one of the funniest people you’ll ever know. kavian has a great sense of humor.
she can cheer up just about anyone.

the one that puts all of your exes to shame. her amazing personality and dazzling features are second to none, so always keep a can opener handy. you never know when you’ll need to open up a can of whoop–ss on whoever it is that tries to flirt with her.

however, she’s no pushover and can easily beat them up herself. or you, for that matter.

kavian is extremely loyal and would do anything for the people she cares about.
she’ll stick with you through thick and thin.

the most constant and abundant source of happiness on earth.
you’ll be smiling the whole time she’s around. if you’re lucky enough to be with her, never let her go.
she’s definitely a keeper.
kavian is just so perfect.

dang, i wish i had a girlfriend like kavian.

back off, bro. kavian is mine.
in ancient times, the spartans would judge babies to determine whether they were worthy of living. the unfit ones were tossed off a mountain and killed. while this method of selection seems cruel in today’s society, there is one person who the world would do well to get rid of. although he calls himself kavian the great, the only thing “great” is his lack of intelligence. in world war ii, he -ssisted the french in fighting the germans…the french. once the germans took over, he begged for salvation, and after multiple “services rendered” to german officers, he was allowed to survive. he was mistaken for a jew in 1943, due to his horrific physical features, and lived in auschwitz for a year and a half, until the allies liberated it. they found him crying in a corner as the other jews ridiculed him; even in their eyes he was unequal. after the war, he became a fashion designer until us army drafted him as a nurse into vietnam. although he bragged about his involvement in the war when he returned, he in fact did horse sh-t for the us army. when his medical services were called upon, he ran off screaming, “f-ck this sh-t! i’m joining the j-ps!” he changed his name to jamarcus jamal when he returned to the us in an attempt to start a new life as a brother from the hood. he suffered multiple injuries in 1985 when he referred to two black men as his “n-gg-s.” after that incident, he decided to pursue a hopeless career in computer technology. he now lives with his mother in georgia.
“i’ve never seen anything quite so hideous.” kavian’s mom at his birth.

“the united states is on defcon 1. a major threat to national security and the general well-being of this country has presented itself. we must take action against this threat.” president kennedy in response to kavian’s arrival back into america.

“we hate him so much.” pet-tion signed by 95% of residents of city where he lives.

“he is a disgrace to our people.” kavian’s father