loch ness monster

a mythical creature said to live in a lake in scotland. keeps trying to get $3.50 from chef’s parents. once dressed up as a girl scout to achieve said goal.
“no, you g-d d-mn loch ness monsta, i ain’t givin’ you no three fitty!”

loch ness monster
a huge t-rd
someone left a loch ness monster and clogged the toilet!
an unidentified animal living in loch ness, the largest body of fresh water in britain. it first came to the attention of the general public in the thirties when a london surgeon r.k.wilson took a photo of what looked like the head-and-neck of a dinosaur-like creature. what with the lost world and rko’s king kong in the cinema, there was an explosion in public interest. the monster’s image, however, was to be forever tainted by the pantomime which followed, in which a game big hunter called wetherall came to loch ness and discovered footprints on the sh-r-. the tracks turned out to have been made by a hippo foot, which was some kind of ashtray or other keepsake. what kind of a big game hunter couldn’t work out that they were all hippo tracks made by the same foot i don’t know, but he left loch ness. in 1994 the now-famous surgeon’s photo turned out to be a fake, a model on a toy submarine made by wetherall – revenge on the world that mocked him. over the years there have been a number of photos and films of unidentified creatures in loch ness. some have been proved as fakes (to be honest, i wasn’t surprised when the surgeon’s photo turned out to be a fake. i’d always thought there was something odd about it). but there is still strong film evidence and a lot of eye-witness evidence to support the existence of a long-necked animal of some kind. modern scientists often dismiss eye-witness evidence as non-evidence. i’m glad they’re not running the judicial system, otherwise they’d have every prisoner released. what doesn’t help is a decidedly vulgar merchandising industry which has turned the monster into nothing more than a theme park attraction. the official loch ness exhibition centre now officially doesn’t believe in nessie anyway. their cinema now shows visitors a film telling of all the reasons why nessie is a hoax, accompanied by silly music. you leave the cinema at the end of the film and are then confronted by a shop selling plush nessies, nessie mugs, china nessies, nessies with tartan hats and endless other over-priced junk. personally i’m sure there were unidentified animals in loch ness until recent years. i think, what with their proven sensitivity to noise, and what with loch ness now covered in countless noisy boats of every shape and form, that whatever was in the loch has either died out or returned to the sea never to return. either way, i think it’s better for the welfare of these creatures that their existence is never proved.
newsflash, 3/4/2011:
the existence of long-necked creatures in loch ness has been proved. now every science laboratory in the world wants one to dissect. every zoo wants one, and every gourmand in the world wants to taste the flesh of one in some revoltingly over-priced restaurant.
within the year, the loch ness monster will be as dead as dodos and stellar’s sea cows.
an ugly woman (coined by groundskeeper willie)
ach! back to the loch with you nessie!
a scottish naval submarine made to look like a dinosaur that once appeared in the loch ness. it only resurfaced to verify its course.
the loch ness monster isn’t after your $3.50 chef, it has no arms to get it
n. an abnormally long piece of human excrement, characterized by the tail end going down into the bottom of the bowl, and the head end breaking the surface of the water. a p–p is only cl-ssified as such when it is in one continuous, unbroken piece. in many cases, the person responsible for the freak-p–p is astounded by how much p–p came out of them.
p–per: “holy cr-p, dude, come check this out. i just cr-pped a loch ness monster!”
friend: “oh my gosh, what the h-ll did you eat?”
40-foot-high girl-scout after my t’ree-fi’ty. once captured by mr. burns to win back popularity.
did i ever tell you about the time i saw the loch ness monster?

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