mom

the annoying, embarr-ssing, b-tch who gave birth to you and pretends to love you. she spanks your -ss and grounds you for a month.
my mom bought a huge rubbery thing at a store with a pink glowing sign
the woman who loves you unconditionally from birth, the one who puts her kids before herself and the one who you can always count on above everyone else.

just telling her your problems makes you feel better because mom’s always know how to make it all go away.

even if you fight, know that she’s just looking out for your best interests.
where would you be without your mom?
someone who gave birth to you.
“luke…(breath) i am your mom.”
the constant flow of cash and -ss whoopings until the age of 18.
dude my mom kicked my -ss when i blew snot all over her new dress.
an affectionate term for your mother.
“i was talking on the phone with my moms.”
a manipulating, self-centered b-tch. extremely hypocritical and illogical, my mom will do anything to win an argument. she belittles you, makes fun of you, puts you down, all in order to get her point across so she can be the “dominant” one. sunny and sweet outside, and maniacal and cold at home, she’s a backstabbing racist old-fashioned who exaggerates things waaay to much, again, so she can win an argument. i cannot tell her anything about my life without her critisizing me or making me feel worse. she uses her children to show off to other parents, something she can be proud of and brag over the phone. she’s ignorant and superst-tious and emotional and lame. i am only grateful for her giving birth to me, and feeding me.

not all mothers are like this; just a few. i just wanted to post a definition where mom isn’t the most wonderful woman in your life.
1) her: mexicans and blacks are lazy.

2) her: g-d, your friends are such sl-ts! they can use tampons already? how can they use tampons, unless their hymens are already broken, meaning they must of had s-x! wh-r-s!

3) her: look at your sister, sitting in her room, reading a book and studying! look at what you’re doing.
me: i read almost everyday and get straight as!
her: well, you read too much!

4) her: you have not accomplished anything this year! you are a loser and you will never make it in life! the only reason you aren’t failing at school is because of me.

5) her: -nag nag-
me: hold on, i’m on the phone.
her: -continues nagging-
me: be quiet ma, i’m on the phone!
her: don’t tell me to shut up! such disrespect! i can do whatever i want to, nag nag…

one week later….

me: mom, i need to go to the library to check out some-
her: shut up, i’m on the phone!

6) her: you cannot dye your hair! once you do, you will become a bad girl and start having s-x with random strangers!
me: how can hair color determine your behaviour?
her: look at all the people who have green hair!

7) her: you mean the earth revolves around the sun?!?!

i swear, all of these anecdotes are true. she has caused me severe psychological damage; bad self image, low self esteem, depression. i wish i had your mother instead.
the number 1 b-tt of moronic jokes
yo mamma
1. the hardest and lowest paid, but most rewarding job in the world.

2. a intimate, familiar, and loving name to be called (by your kids).
1. of course i work, i’m a mom! and i have another job, too!

2. when you go through these hateful phases, i just remember the first time you called me “mom”, and it doesn’t hurt so bad.

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