mount saint mary’s university

probably the worst place you could go to if you’re actually trying to party in college. although some of the people here are cool, the school is actually gay as sh-t. it’s where everyone knows your name and every single f-cking thing about you. its where the after parties turn into middle school dances because public safety can’t handle a couple drunken fights. its where people with no life sit in their rooms making random anonymous phone calls to ps full of fake complaints just hoping to see someone get raided and written up. the bottom line is the mount is not a university, its just grades 13-16. this is mount saint mary’s high school, b-tch! hooray, we suck.
timosen: hey i thought we went to mount saint mary’s university?
twenty bucks: nah, i go to mount saint mary’s high school, you fool.
see also: sweet stadium; dessert stamp; parking ticket

mount st. mary’s high school is a great place to experience college life…if you have the ability to erase four (to six) years of memory from your brain. apart from the tremendous athletic facilities, a parking n-z-, inexpensive meal plans, and a wonderful core curriculum, the mount offers you the chance to really discover your inner -sshole. located in the scenic villa of emmitsburg, the mount offers a community atmosphere where everybody knows your name…and everyone you ever hooked up with. if promiscuity or blacking out is your intended major, you definitely want an application form (don’t worry, you don’t need any previous education to get in). if there’s one word to describe this incredible academic inst-tution it is: awkward. everywhere you go someone is bound to say something behind your back or yell it across the cafeteria (poor mop girl).
if these advantages haven’t piqued your interest, i’m sure that you can’t say no to the chance to join a clique that you thought you had to leave in high school. there are several to choose from: any athletic team, the smoke-on-the-stairs squad, the g-d squad/wellness, etc.
as far as the student body is concerned, you may not want to look. the girls are hottt and the guys are the nicest ones around…ha! girls: skinny in the fall, plump in the spring, no dessert stamp is safe. there is no freshman 15 at this school…better make it 30. get a little booze in the system and no p-n-s is safe. guys: like loud rap music (85% white), steroids, and freshman girls (a lot). if you plan on finding a future husband/wife here, good luck.
well, i’m sure this definition has provided enough incentive to make you throw your hands in the air in excitement for america’s oldest independent college…ahem university. if you’ve decided to continue your academic endeavors at this inst-tution, make sure you bring lots of money to buy lots of busch light and cigarettes. maybe i’ll see you around the mount and we can hang out with “bitter beer face” and the rest of public safety at the apartments. peace out.
one of a kind.
unique.
one and only.