Proximity invitation

an invitation to an event given solely because of the invitee’s close proximity to a conversation about said event.

proximity invitations most often occur due to feelings of guilt and/or pity, but can also happen in an attempt to fix the awkwardness of the situation. they have been given in the hopes that the invitee is not able to attend the event; however, this is never a smart move, as it always has the potential to backfire.

it is very important to stay emotionless in any situation where a proximity invite could be given to an undesirable. if one of the people conversing about the event senses any weakness at all in one or more of the other conversers, he/she should recognize that a proximity invitation could be imminent, and should forcibly remove himself/herself and the other conversers from the situation, offering an excuse to the would-be invitee if necessary. remember: you may be the bad guy now, but they will thank you later.

some undesirables are brazen enough to actively seek out proximity invitations by purposefully placing themselves close to those conversing about an event. this technique, known throughout the undesirable community as “seek and destroy,” has been reported to work on conversers who are of equal or lesser popularity than the undesirable. they will usually be ignored by conversers who are more popular than the undesirable, unless one or more of the conversers has a reputation for being sympathetic or kindhearted.

do not be swayed by the undesirable’s strongest weapon: a sarcastic “thanks for the invite” or anything similar. a good counter to this phrase is an equally sarcastic “you’re welcome” or “my pleasure” or anything along those lines.

if the undesirable is so bold as to actually pretend that they have already received an invitation, it is absolutely necessary that they are put in their place. a simple but effective “you’re not invited” will suffice, but it is always a good idea to follow this with an insult, so as to show the undesirable that he/she is not wanted. ex. “you’re not invited, -ssf-ggot.”
jack: hey, did you hear about the party at my house tonight?

jill: yeah, i can’t wait!

that c-nthole steve: …

jack: so… steve… wanna come to my party tonight?

that c-nthole steve: sure!

jack and jill: f-ck.

—

jack: hey, did you hear about the party at my house tonight?

jill: yeah, i can’t wait!

that c-nthole steve: …

jack: …you’re not getting a proximity invitation, -ssf-ggot.

that c-nthole steve: i wish i had friends.